Note / Warning
I don't expect anybody to read all of this. This is from a... bad day a few weeks ago. Today was another one. I thought getting this out there might help or something like that? I don't even know. This is a bit graphic.
5/18/15
9:28 ᴾᴹ
I'm supposed to be the normal one.
The good girl that gets A's, good people skills, takes orders with no complaint. Normal. Be the shoulder to cry on, always be there to help. Care for others. I do care for them. Shit, they're practically all I care about. I care about your day, I care about that fucking stupid thing that made you smile because I just want you to be happy. But no one does the same for me. I don't know if I expect them to or not. I'm not really needed. I'm just here for everyone's amusement, and thrown away when they get bored.
No one knows that for the past month, at least, all I could think about was swallowing a handful of pills or a rope around my neck. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't really feel anything but the pain in my chest while I lay in bed, my hand on my mouth so no one can hear me sob.
God, I sound so pathetic. I am.
I just don't feel like there's a point to anything anymore. I don't know want to care about my grades, but if I get anything lower than a B+ I feel like a fucking failure.
So back to my point I guess.. [?] (oh yeah 'no point' haha, I'm so funny)
I'm not beautiful. I don't deserve love. I'm not worthy of it. Worthless. A failure. Disgusting. I'm supposed to be normal. I'm not supposed to be depressed.
I'm not supposed to be suicidal.
I'm not supposed to have low self-esteem.
I don't have a shoulder to cry on. I need one.
I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm not strong enough to do anything about it. I can only suffer in my mind.
The thing is, I know I need help, but I'll probably never tell anyone about this.
I'm supposed to be strong.
