𝙨𝙖𝙪𝙙𝙖𝙙𝙚 - a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone who is distant, or something that has been loved and then lost; "the love that remains".
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"𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪...
Ever since yesterday's little chat, I've felt more at ease, yet, I couldn't just brush off the feeling of impending doom. Nevertheless, there was something else lying between this. My feelings were like layers, and one of those feelings had strengthened. Which one was it, now?
My heart fluttered everytime I walked past him, or thought of him. It made me giggle, for some reason. It was pretty weird. Was this what they call a crush? No, it can't be that simple. I feel like we have known each other for centuries beforehand. It's very strange. It's something stronger than just a mere crush. Can this be true love, or was I being silly? Was I thinking of the right 'feeling layer?' Maybe I'm coming down with a fever.
As much as I would like to keep doubting and denying, I'm currently letting him rest his head on my lap while he naps. This is definitely what friends do. It is. And I'm right. You're wrong.
I couldn't find an excuse for my red face. I was about to burst a blood vessel just by thinking of it. No force could keep me from gently combing my fingers through his long, silky white hair as he peacefully slept. What feeling can this be?
I felt far too stubborn to fall for him, but what could I do? Knowing, it's far too early to accept, I felt a bit sombre. I'll take his offer, one of these busy days. Busy with coddling him,,
I stopped caressing his hair and tried to carefully get up without any disturbance.
"What are you doing?" I heard Tomoe mutter, my gaze immediately fled to him as he grabbed my wrist to place it on his head. "Khh.." I quietly winced in pain.
"Stay."
Hearing those words, my whole body halted. I hesitantly fell back onto my knees, slowly resuming what I was in the middle of earlier.
"That's better." He let his head rest on my lap once again.
I reluctantly stroked my left wrist, which still ached with the remaining spots of crimson beneath my long sleeve.
He turned his head towards mine, looking up at me, still laying on my thighs, "Are you in pain?"
"No, nono, definitely not! What about you?" I managed to push out my charisma, through all the stammering, which was frequent.
"You're stuttering. Something's wrong, isn't it?" He raised his head and his gaze hardened. I quickly got up and dusted off my clothes, clearing my throat anxiously.
".." I scrambled my words, having trouble stumbling between 'nothing' and 'I'm fine'.
His lilac eyes, full of suspicion, were fully capable of hypnotizing me. It felt unfair, how I felt so embarrassed to look into them, yet I couldn't turn away, no matter what. Stuck in a wormhole, fallen meters deep, and still continuing to fall.
It wasn't fair, how it had only been a few weeks, yet I had stooped so low into a mess that I made. Head over heels. That's exactly what it felt like.
".. Why are you being so difficult?" He massaged his temples, now standing up as well. "What is the matter?" Concern clouded his eyes, scanning every detail about me.
"I'm difficult because it IS difficult. It's personal, that's all.."
We stood in silence, both speechless.
"I'll tell you some day, that's a promise. I'll tell you why I am like I am, why I hate being vulnerable, why I hate.." My eyes nervously paced around the room, fiddling with all of the different fidgety seams and strings on my clothing. "..stuff. Aha, it's a tough topic."
He grabbed me, gentler than before. His hands snaking to my waist. He pulled me down to sit as we laid, me being against his chest as he held me close, my eyes widened in shock and I felt my face turn a darker hue, it was warm. His touch felt kind, soft.
I felt his hand shy it's way up to my face, pulling me closer - like magnets, our bodies, almost as if meant for eachother, had touched and ignited a new spark. It was warm, yet I felt a wave of sudden goosebumps overcome me.
"You've held me before, saved me. Let it now be me, who holds you." He whispered, I felt my heart beat out of my chest, a deafening sound.
Is this what friends feel? Truly, I don't think so anymore.
We stayed there. For how long? Was it hours? Was it minutes?
I couldn't even notice the time flying by as we basked in eachother's body heat. His face was gorgeous, I felt flustered as he watched over me, his eyes scanning my face and every other small detail of mine.
Was I supposed to be feeling this way, to a guy I just met?
It doesn't make sense, it doesn't even feel like we met a few weeks ago, more like years and centuries beforehand. Perhaps it was the reason I felt so attached to him.
I felt my mind race with all sorts of thoughts as I drifted off to a sweet slumber.
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thank you for reading "saudade."
(and I'm sorry the chapter isn't much longer than the previous one, it took me long enough to write this since I had a massive writers block😭 hope you enjoyed either way!)
