MAYBE TOMORROW ... gilmore girls

chapter fourteen

December, 2000

Hartford Hospital

20:55

I ALWAYS loved my father.

But I don't think I liked him much. I loved him because he was my father and he was a kind enough man, but we did not get on well enough to like one another. He seemed proud of me when I excelled at school and finally got accepted to Yale – actually, I had never seen him so happy. Lorelai's disappearance from our life had set his mouth into a permanent frown that I got so used to seeing that when I ripped open my Yale acceptance letter and saw a smile spread across his face I was shocked. Way more shocked than getting accepted.

He's never hugged me once.

I think I've always wanted a hug from my parents. Is that not sad? To want my parents just to show me that they love me, even just a little, so that I can feel the warmth of their arms around me and know I'm not alone. But they never have. I can't even miss the feeling. Is my father soft?

We've never been able to talk about anything other than math. He used to ask me math questions across the dinner table as a child until my mother or Lorelai got annoyed, but we could never hold a conversation otherwise. I'd ask how he was doing, he'd answer and ask the same, I'd answer and we'd fall into silence, staring at the same walls we've always stared at. I invited my parents to visit my new house and he had simply said, at the very end when I was showing them out, "it's smaller than the last. Suits you, however." And left.

But, despite all that, I cannot get the panic to leave my chest.

The stingy antiseptic smell of the hospital clings to every crevice of my nose as I trail after my mother to the nurse's desk. All around me is the beeping of machines in the distance, of the photocopier behind the nurse's desk, of the electronic doors pinging open and shut. The television around the corner is kept at a low enough volume to be no more than a din in my ears and I'm pretty sure I can hear shouting in the distance. I tug my black wool coat tighter around my body. It is freezing in here. I should have worn a dress with sleeves – wait, this isn't my fault. My mother bought me this dress and forced me to wear it tonight. Wait, no, I can't sit here and blame her right now. She doesn't need that right now.

I look up at the tall nurse with the cropped blonde hair that my mother is trying to argue with.

"But why can't I see him?"

I want to tug on her arm and take her away. Cling to her like a small child. My heart feels so tight in my chest. I'm not sure what this feeling is. Maybe I'm having a heart attack too – is that what happened to my father? Did he have a heart attack? God. We don't even know. He just collapsed when he got up to turn the thermostat off. None of us know what happened.

I have never missed my father.

I miss him now.

"They're running some tests."

"Well, I would like to meet this doctor who's testing him."

I feel sick. Rory is off trying to find decent coffee for the three of us to drink. I wish Lorelai had been at the party. She would be able to handle this better than us. All I can think about is that my father might be dying and I can never say that I liked him. I really wish Lorelai was here. I really wish my mother wasn't arguing with the nurse. I really wish the hospital didn't smell so strongly of blood and hand sanitizer.