After The War (And During, and Before)

Late Night Talking

Lionel had been avoiding Obi-Wan even more than usual since the rescue mission on Endor - and that was really saying something, as they hadn't exactly been overly eager to interact with him beforehand either.
The only thing that was different now was the reasoning.
The feelings...
Those damn blue eyes...
Lionel was so deep in denial that they would probably even deny the fact that they were in denial. But they just couldn't shake that weird fluttery feeling they'd had since Endor, since they'd rescued Obi-Wan from the fire trap and made the mistake of looking into his eyes.
That was the issue, just his eyes, if Lionel hadn't looked into his eyes (and seen the way they shone and seemed to stretch on forever like the bluest, brightest sky) they'd have been fine.
Maybe. Probably.
And they'd be even more fine if they'd been a good enough pretender to convince the others they hadn't needed their arm looked after, so then Obi-Wan wouldn't have used those gentle (and surprisingly soft and oh so tender) hands if his to wrap their wound with a ripped-off piece of Padmé's dress.
AND they'd be EXTREMELY FINE if they hadn't gone and made Obi-Wan laugh like that, the way that made his shoulders shudder and his eyes gleam as the beautiful sound of it filled Lionel's ears and heart all at once-
Dammit. There they went again. Thinking about him too much.
Obi-Wan didn't like Lionel, and Lionel certainly didn't like Obi-Wan.
But they were starting to think they loved him. And that was SO INFURIATINGLY EMBARRASSING Lionel wished they could die.
Hanging out with Anakin for a bit would take their mind off it, but unfortunately that meant going to the Jedi Temple. Which meant there was a possibility of running into Obi-Wan.
Which they did.
"Lionel!"
How the hell could they recognize his voice so easily? Was it that damned pretty accent of his? Why did the way he said their name send shivers up their spine?
"General." Lionel greeted the Jedi.
He was smiling (rather adorably), which was something Lionel wasn't used to seeing from him. They'd rather he scowl at them like usual. Shouldn't he be annoyed that they had snuck in here again when they weren't supposed to?
"What brings you here?" Obi-Wan asked.
He was being nice. And not to placate Anakin, because he wasn't here.
"Just lookin' for Kenni." Lionel murmured - it was the exact truth, so why did they feel like they were lying? And on top of that, why did they feel ashamed?
"He's on a training mission with Ahsoka," Obi-Wan said quietly, "I'm sorry, Lionel, he's not here."
Had he always said Lionel's name like that, or were they imagining the subtle affection in his tone?
"Oh," Lionel said, "o-okay then, I'll just go-"
"No, wait," Obi-Wan objected, "stay for a moment. If you're not busy."
"I'm a commoner, I'm rarely busy. Even with this damn war."
Lionel expected Obi-Wan to start lecturing them about the importance of this war against the separatists and defending the galaxy, but instead he let out a chuckle.
Fuck. He still looked even more gorgeous when he laughed.
"How's your arm?" He asked gently.
"Uh, b-better," Lionel stammered, subconsciously cradling their injured arm to their chest, "it's healing well... thanks to you. My dad said it might've gotten infected if you hadn't wrapped it."
Why am I being grateful?? They thought frantically, he doesn't care!!
"That's good," Obi-Wan replied, "I'm glad you're doing better."
"I-it wasn't that bad to begin with," Lionel muttered, "I would've been fine."
That was a huge lie and they both knew it.
"It's never a good idea to be overly noble, Lionel," Obi-Wan murmured kindly, "even in war. Don't pretend you're alright if you aren't."
Have you told Anakin that before?
Lionel held their tongue against the snippy response.
What was wrong with them? They'd had no problem challenging Obi-Wan's authority and his methods of teaching Anakin before.
There was an awkward silence, and the way Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably, gaze falling to the floor, made Lionel think he'd somehow heard their thoughts despite them not saying anything aloud. 
"Would you like to come to my quarters for tea, then?"
The question caught Lionel off guard, and for a second they found themself unable to produce a response.
"O-oh," they stammered finally, "um... I-I'm more of a coffee person myself-"
"Well, alright then," Obi-Wan cut in, "no need for it if you don't want to."
"I-I wasn't done," Lionel protested before Obi-Wan could walk away.
WHY am I DOING THIS?! They screamed internally as he turned back to them with what might've been a hopeful expression.
"I don't mind," Lionel murmured, "I'd love to... just... talk."
That's all he can do anyway, Lionel told themself, he's a Jedi, and he's WAAAY to loyal to the Code. This isn't a date or anything. It's a chat. Between two people who are maybe-sort-of friends. That's. It.
Obi-Wan smiled, and the world somehow got a little brighter.
"Wonderful," he said softly, "follow me."
Lionel did so reluctantly, hunching their shoulders and desperately avoiding eye contact with the other Jedi they passed.
Was this how Anakin felt whenever he and Padmé were somewhere they could be seen together? If it was, Lionel hated it, and it made them feel awful for both of them.
Obi-Wan didn't seem bothered at all, however - all the more reason to believe he didn't feel the same way Lionel did. Which was good, because this little feeling (which was definitely not a big feeling and never would be) would probably go away in a matter of weeks. It might even be gone by the time they left the Temple. An afternoon with Obi-Wan had to be absolutely insufferable.
It wasn't.
Far from it.  
"How are you faring in all of this anyway, Lionel?" Obi-Wan asked gently as they both sat at the small table by a large window overlooking the city and the sunset beyond.
"Me?" Lionel asked, "does it matter? I'm not important in this war, why should what I think be relevant?"
"I think it's very relevant," Obi-Wan said, "Coruscant does get attacked occasionally, and just because the main targets are up here doesn't mean people living in the lower levels won't be affected by it."
"Well..." Lionel said quietly, "no one I know has been 'affected'. Besides Kenni. And 'Soka. And Padmé."
And you...
Obi-Wan nodded gravely.
"And Ken-Té?" He asked gently, sending a pang through Lionel's chest.
They must have visibly winced, because Obi-Wan immediately looked... guilty.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly, "that was inappropriate of me."
"No, no," Lionel protested, "Té was my friend. Anakin's too. The three of us... we were a team. But, I've always been someone who encourages people to do what's best for them. And... leaving was best for Ken-Té, in the end we all knew it. He wasn't made for war, he's... he had a soft heart. Too soft for all this... this shit."
Lionel expected Obi-Wan to express disapproval of their coarse language, but instead he nodded understandingly.
"I think that's a good word to describe it," he murmured, "'shit'."
Lionel glanced up at him in surprise.
"What?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Nothing," Lionel replied with a slight laugh, "I've just never heard you swear before. Kenni says you hate swearing."
"Just because I dislike it when he uses foul language in every sentence doesn't mean I'm not guilty of doing the same."
Lionel chuckled.
"Every sentence?" They echoed, "heh, that might be my fault. I taught him to swear, y'know. Apparently cussing isn't common among slaves. That or his mom never let him hear those words. My parents... well, they had a hard time stopping me from swearing when I was little."
"I don't disbelieve you," Obi-Wan laughed softly, his eyes doing that damn twinkling thing again, "I bet you were quite the handful."
"You say that like I'm not anymore," Lionel huffed, grinning in spite of themself, "what about you, huh? How much hell did you raise as a kiddie?"
"Well..." Obi-Wan mused, "from what Qui-Gon used to tell me, I was... a bit of a handful myself."
"Really?" Lionel demanded, leaning forward slightly and ignoring the immediate wave of embarrassment they felt when Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow at them in amusement.
"I may have been," he said, "Qui-Gon liked to exaggerate on occasion. Besides what he told me, I don't know much about my childhood."
Lionel felt their face fall.
"But... what about... y'know, your family? Didn't you have parents?"
"The Jedi brought me to the Temple when I was only three years old. I have vague memories of my family... mother and father... and a baby. I may have had a brother. But it's all a blur. I can hardly recall any of it."
Lionel blinked sadly at him.
"Do you ever wish you'd gotten to stay with them a little longer?" They asked quietly, "or... want to try and find them?"
"I'm forbidden to have attachments, Lionel," Obi-Wan murmured, with a slight edge to his voice that to Lionel suggested they'd hit a nerve, "that includes family. You know that."
Lionel's heart shattered - and not because that felt like an outright rejection of their concern, but because it sounded like Obi-Wan was so caught up in his commitment to that damned Code that he didn't care about himself, his own feelings, anymore.
"I do," they said slowly, "but I have to be honest, I don't care. At all. You should be able to do what you want."
"We've had this conversation before," Obi-Wan said icily, "and it ended poorly."
"No, it ended with me giving you a drawing of Master Jinn," Lionel argued, "unless you consider that to be 'ending poorly'."
"I didn't say that." Obi-Wan protested gently.
Lionel waited for him to say more about the drawing, perhaps mention what he'd done with it, but he didn't.
He just stared at them, the honey-colored light from the sun as it finally dipped below the horizon turning the skin on the left side of his face to gold and leaving the right side in rich brown shadow, all the while his eyes still glimmered as if there were stars trapped in their depths, even in the growing darkness.
Lionel sighed, lowering their gaze to their hands on the table.
"Don't you ever miss them?" They tried again, and glanced back up just in time to see a flicker of sadness cross Obi-Wan's face.
"I do," he admitted, suddenly sounding very vulnerable, "there are lots of people I miss, Lionel. Qui-Gon is one of them. My family, even though I barely knew them, are on that list too. And other people I dare not think about. Some of them are dead, some are just too far away, and some still feel galaxies out of reach even when they're right in front of me."
Lionel couldn't help the way their heart fluttered at that. 
He couldn't possibly mean them...
Could he?
"But that's something I simply have to live with," Obi-Wan continued before Lionel could think about it any further, "I am a Jedi, and we are all living through a war. I have a Code and a duty to uphold. I cannot afford to be selfish."
"Wishing things could be different isn't selfish," Lionel protested desperately, "it's... it's just human."
"But a Jedi does not give in to these feelings," Obi-Wan said, "we certainly all have them, yes, but to dwell on them - let alone act on them - in a time like this, it's next to treason."
"You can't really think that." Lionel breathed, hearing their voice break and humiliated to realize there were tears pricking the corners of their eyes.
No wonder Anakin didn't want me to tell Obi-Wan about his feelings for Padmé... they thought, recalling how insistent Anakin had been about keeping his secret crush (and then marriage) from his master. But at the same time it made them feel all the more for Obi-Wan - knowing he had those feelings too but chose to bottle them up like this... it was like being stabbed, directly in the heart.
Obi-Wan averted his gaze, but even though the sun had fully set by now and the room was dark, Lionel could see the beginnings of tears in his eyes too.
"I don't know why I'm telling you all of this." He said finally, sounding as if he was trying extra hard to sound firm, although Lionel could see through it easily.
"Because I'm a stranger?" Lionel pressed in a whisper.
"But you aren't." Obi-Wan argued, his tone gentler, "I've known you since you were about six."
"Yeah, but you don't know-know me," Lionel said, "and I don't know-know you... but... I really want to."
I don't fucking know why, I just do. They thought.
Obi-Wan looked at them, the bluish moonlight from outside now illuminating his face in an entirely different hue than the sunset. Lionel tried not to take too much notice of the single, glimmering tear trailing down his cheek and getting lost in his beard.
He was so beautiful, at every angle. Lionel could perfectly remember how he looked right now but they would never be able to capture him like this in a drawing - not that they hadn't tried, about a thousand times.
Obi-Wan was silent for a moment longer be for once again turning Lionel's world on its head with three words;
"And I you."