Fear the Dark

9.

Shock and anger wrestle for dominance within me, both melting into one burning hot fury that left me speechless. I stared at the sympathetic expression Jess offered, speechless. 

My brain remained frozen as if unable to register the information, my lips unable to form words or even close itself. 

With everything I've decided to bear to West during these challenging, transformative few years, attempting to push our relationship to the next level with my vulnerability and truth, I could almost not believe it. West hadn't been truthful, in the aspect that I was the only female he had been pursuing for months now, and that he had been celibate like I've been during our "test." Placing a finger on where exactly the rage fuels from is difficult amidst the numerous reasons, but I knew it largely originated from the simple fact that he's been lying to me for, who even knows how long. Why did we need to lie to one another? Our relationship has been honest for years, as far as I know, and we never shied from the topic of who we were seeing or sleeping with. Regardless of how indestructible the walls I wrapped around my feelings, my vulnerability, I had managed to knock down some of the layers, for him. Taking a leap of faith, I decided to trust him in a way I hadn't trusted people in a long time, with his answer being eager to take my trust with tentative hands and pure intentions. 

Yet, here I was, beyond hurt and livid by his dismissive behavior all night, and now by the news that he's been fucking someone else and lying to me about it. My rising temper prevented me from caring about Jess's awkward, still body beside me, or how silent she had fallen during my moment of agitation and deep contemplation.

"I never liked him," she would say. I could laugh at my best friend's accusations from years ago regarding West. "He's not worthy. Just a dude tryna smash."

It was more than that, right? a voice whispers within me.

It doesn't matter. Not now, anyways. Rather than fixating on him and the lies I naively believed, I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, blinking away the moisture pooling my orbs. As if she were still with me, lending me her unmoving strength and collection, I dried the tears my former friend would not have liked to flow down my cheeks, especially by the hands of someone she had predicted to be unworthy and blew exhaled a long breath. 

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" I ask Jess. As much as I want to be a good friend right now, knowing the suffocating anxiety she might be experiencing, I have to ask. "You knew and you didn't tell me anything until now, because the girl is your friend and she's missing. Would you have told me otherwise?"

"Really? You want to do this, now?" she asks in disbelief. 

No, I wanted to answer but, I had to know. 

"Right now."

Her eyes are nearly popping out of her head but the intimidation isn't working, and I hold my own glare until she clicks her tongue and says, "Because, no one is supposed to know, okay? I mean, don't you think they would be official, if they could be?"

"I've known West for years, and we've been practically fucking date for the last year and-"

"Well, I've never heard of you and I've known West for two years. Honestly, I didn't think you would be this fucking upset since he has literally never mentioned you, but since you obviously are, that's the truth."

Pain erupts throughout my chest at this revelation and I take a deep breath to stop more tears from forming. I snapped my eyes away from Jess's face, who looked sorry for the harsh outburst, and glared out the dark window. Against my wishes to not display how wrecking the news is, my chest began to heave as I attempted but failed to control my breathing. I bite my lip to hold back the wave of emotion, my leg beginning to shake from the building within me.