•jj maybank imagines•

002 • Concequences • jj maybank

After you left, i never failed to find myself retreating back to the comfort of my loneliness, the comfort that which finds a way to drown me yet bring me back to normality, maybe because that is my normality, the constant drowning in the comfort of solitude and, more depressingly, the undeniable solitude of comfort.

Because we're all alone in this world, yearning to gather our loyalties to accompany us on the torturous journey of mortality: the end.

The worst torture, still gnawing at my mind, being that i had failed in the attempt of having my people for my demise, losing the only one that matters in my life.

Funnily enough, it's called 'falling in love' for a reason, a plethora of them actually.

All of these syllable-filled words, symbolic of affection and comfort: consolation, condolence, commiseration, alleviation, easement. So many words, so many letters, so many ways to convey the syllables- com-fort- yet mine is solely you, you represent everything for me, all these words, and still no amount of syllables could portray 'you', you and i, each one single syllable on its own but when put together, its two, just like the comfort we find in eachothers heart and souls, and yet we still are one.

The worst pain of this is the present is now flooded with the cruel and traitorous past tense, the merciless reminder of, not only, our inescapable end but too our love's.

We were. Were. The most hurtful transition, is that of the one from, "we were" to "i am" the loss of that extra letter, the other half, the reason for survival, the excuse for happiness. The loss of you. The change from: "we're" to "are"; "us" to "me"; past to present.

It's the realisation that hits the hardest, when you have a complete absence of emotion, then you're, nearly fatally, attacked by the whirlwind of feelings.

Realisation.

It's the singular thing that makes it all something just too unbearable, fate's last push in the direction of the promise of peaceful escape, to a place where emotion is not the same callous torture to be burdened with.

It's not solely a want, it's a necessity; i need to be liberated from the inhumane punishment of caring's aftermath, it's something i am compelled to complete, i can no longer endure this suffering, knowing that there's a way out paired with no longer being too scared of the consequences.

Caring: it's euphoria has a temporary effect, and trust me it's astronomically astounding, but the lasting impact of its existence always results in the incurable, gut-wrenching feeling, no way to be rid of it; having the strength will allow an easement, but never a full recovery.

I, however, do not posses such courage, it's cowardly, i'm aware but is it honestly narcissistic to put myself first, for once, i truly think it's the antithesis, if anything it's selfless, saving other people from being burdened with my pathetic and trivial "issues" that truly concern no one but me, my issues are just that: mine, mine to deal with.

The beautiful thing about my decision is: i'm not scared anymore, i was before but it's passed, i'm at peace with my choice and i aspire to influence similar feelings within you, i pray to inspire the thoughtfulness of this situation and more importantly, for you to understand why.

I still love you, i always will, i'll love you from afar, i'll love you from every clear blue sky, i knew how much you loved those, i said they were my favourite but that was just because they were yours, you made me see the beauty in the simplicity of a blue sky, the beauty in a simple life.

I get the same luxury: i had a simple life, and now a simple end, i had you but now i get to go find my nirvana, you can find yours too, my love, even if that requires you to open your heart to someone else, love them the way you loved me, simply, that's the gift you give to the world- your love.

This is my gift, you can be happy, and i'll love you from this distance, i pinky promise.

-els
(the one who loved too hard
and consequently lived too short)

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A/N
Hey, i honestly hope you had a good day today, whether it was positive or negative, comment section is always open to speak, no matter how long the message may be or how short i will listen don't worry.
If anyone is suffering with similar thoughts to the theme of this part please call: 116 123 or text SHOUT to 85258, there isn't only help out there but recovery too. Also in no way shape or form am i romanticising suicide, that is completely fucked up, it's honestly what i love to write, it's nice to be able to express feelings on a piece of writing knowing that i'm no longer burdened with these negative thoughts.
This may sound really weird but i literally don't know how to write something unless it's depressing as fuck, that's not me being attention seeking by the way don't worry but it's just so much easier to write about.
💗