•jj maybank imagines•

001 • Understanding • jj maybank

"It's okay, i understand", was all i was able to say, the only comfort i was capable of emitting.

It was a lie, I think he knew it was, I could never understand what he was going through but i understood him.

He knew that to be truthful at least, he knew that, no matter he was going through, i would always be there for him.

——————

When my closest friend, came to my door, in tears, with cuts, bruises and gashes littering his face, i was shocked but primarily concerned.

How could i miss this?

All of the inexplicable injuries in the past that i had made the- previously educated- guess that he had simply: "gotten into a scrap", were swiftly disregarded as i realised the ghastly truth.

The one person who was supposed to love and protect him more than anyone- his father- was the very one causing his hopeless and disconsolate feelings, his father had been treating him with abusive abrasiveness, mental, verbal and worst of all physical.

Remorse, guilt and regret. 

After he told me, a plethora of emotions hit me, most of all: guilt, how could i not notice? No one else noticed, but i was the one person who should have.

I claim to "know him more than anyone" yet i was so blind to this traumatic secret in his life, i felt treacherous, as if not knowing was a form of betrayal, which undeniably felt like the highest truth in this moment.

Shallow narcissism.

Something his father and i apparently share in common; i was sat here thinking of how i felt, when the boy awkwardly stood in-front of me, naked with unmistakable vulnerability, due to his courageous confession.

This boy: he's the one to make people laugh; he's the one who lit up everyone's day and he's the one who coincidentally needed us more than we needed him, no one knew, but it was the truth.

We'd failed him, i failed him.

There's no excuse, in the slightest i should have known, I'm going to spend every minute of my life making up for that blindness to him, starting with the menial empathy i can give him, but i'm going to flood him with comfort.

I pull him down to my chest and wrap my arms around his shoulders, him desperately gripping my waist instantaneously.

I shut the door behind him before sitting us down on the sofa, trying to break as little contact as possible, in order to maintain whatever necessary solace feelings i was providing him with in this moment.

As i'm whispering reassurance into his ear, his sobbing is fortunately minimising rapidly, i wish nothing more than his deserving consolation, he truly deserved the world and more.

"Do you want to sleep round?" i queried hopefully, after receiving an assertive hum in response, indicating his approval of my offer,  I couldn't help but smile.

After we had been laying there for a while, and i was still focussing on his breathing and assuring him he was safe with me, he recited just a fraction of the deceptive prevarications, he was undeservingly told.

—————

"Man, i'm sorry for bare bealing" he jokingly played off in a colloquial tone- indicating he was nervous- while positioning himself on his elbows so he was no longer resting on my chest.

I immediately miss his comfort, even though i was supposed to be the one expelling it not receiving it, i want it to be about him.

"jay, you know if anyone's going to judge you it's not going to be me" i confessed, he swiftly replied with: "It probably would be, you're just the only one with the right to do so".

I'm grinning widely, i couldn't give less of a fuck that what he just said was a slight insult, i'm glad he's joking, it means his minds not revolving around his awful situation.

"we don't say it nearly enough, but i love you" i assured him, he lays back down onto me, his arms wrapping around me, i kiss his forehead and he smiles into me, "i love you so much more, you don't even understand".

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