dum spiro, spero

chapter 3

|| back to 3rd person pov ||

Akutagawa had never understood why people waited for others to wake up at the hospital. He'd never understood most people in all fairness. But now, in this moment, he felt a slither of humanity. In watching atsushi's breathing become more stabilised and regular, he found a strange sense of closure. Akutagawa hadn't realised how much he had needed the weretiger until his life was in the hands of someone, or something, that was not his own. Subconsciously, he reached out and brushed his fingers against Atsushi's hand. He realised what he had done and quickly pulled his hand back, afraid of the intimacy, of the light feeling in his stomach and the heat growing beneath his cheeks.

Dr. Yosano watched Akutagawa with a wary eye from her desk. She knew he wouldn't try anything, seeing as ranpo couldn't detect a lie from akutagawa's reasoning for atsushi's state and the deadly panic she could sense in his eyes when he came in, but he was a high ranking mafia member nonetheless.

Atsushi's arms were bandaged tightly, faint spots of crimson working their way through the material. Akutagawa could hear the agency members on the other side of the door having a hushed conversation between themselves. He desperately wanted to know the context of the chatter, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Atsushi's side. He couldn't shake the images from his head. Memories of seeing the weretiger fall to the floor, shaking like crazy, feeling his pulse weaken under Akutagawa's fingers and his breaths rapidly shortening burdened his mind. He hadn't realised he'd zoned out until he felt a hand on his shoulder. His first instinct was to shake the hand off, to flinch away from the contact, to impale whoever it was. But he didn't.

Yosano's voice spoke to him, addressing him in such a soft manner it was difficult to believe that he was a heartless murderer, nothing but a dog to carry out the Port Mafia's dirty work.

"Are you okay? That must've been quite scary."

Yosano kept her hand on Akutagawa's shoulder.

"I'm fine. I kill people, I work for the Mafia. I'd be quite a shit worker if i couldn't handle something as simple as this."

Akutagawa's words held no weight when his voice was cracking under the pressure of the situation.

"This is different. All those people you kill, you don't know them. Perhaps a few of them, but they haven't stuck around long enough for you to care. That's why you don't feel any remorse when Rashomon turns them inside out. But you know Atsushi. He's dealt with too many of your shenanigans, but he still stayed, he hasn't given up with you. He may have given up with himself, but not with you. And if you truly didn't care about him, you wouldn't have brought him here."

Yosano's words cut through Akutagawa like a blade. He shook his head, in denial of her words. He stood up and raised his fist, about to punch her in the face. But he stopped before he could come into contact with her. He felt his cheeks wetten and before he could register what he was doing, he was moving towards Yosano, who quickly embraced him. He balled his fists into the back of her clothes, light sobs burning through his throat. Glistening strings of weakness trickled down his face, staining his pale face in a guilty array of emotion. But he couldn't bring himself to care, he freely let his emotions stream out his eyes as he chased comfort in the Dr's arms.

Yosano rubbed his back soothingly, whispering sweet nothings into the air.

"shh, shh, it's alright. it's okay."

Akutagawa cried into her arms for what felt like forever, until he finally calmed and drew away.

"I apologise for that. I don't know what came over me."

Akutagawa bowed his head, knowing to be polite after Yosano showed him such a surreal act of kindness.

"Please don't apologise, Akutagawa. I could tell you needed that."

Yosano smiled and walked out the medical room, leaving Akutagawa and his privacy in the quiet of the room.

Akutagawa looked at Atsushi, taking in the sight. He'd never really had a long look at the boy, seeing as they were usually at eachothers throats, or preoccupied fighting an enemy, combining their abilities for the better. And as much as Akutagawa didn't want to admit it, Atsushi was gorgeous. The way his hair sprawled out on the pillow, the way his lips parted slightly as he slept, the way he managed to look so soft after trying to end his life.

Akutagawa continued to stare at Atsushi before he heard the door fly open and slam against the wall, the vibrations running through the floorboards and up into Akutagawa's spine. Akutagawa hastily stood up, not needing to turn around to know who stood in the doorway. He turned to walk out, gracefully ignoring the tears he saw Dazai hastily wipe away before exiting the room. He felt a pang of jealousy.

'Would Dazai have ever reacted to me getting injured like that? No. That's absurd. Stop reminiscing Ryūnosuke.'

Akutagawa's thoughts were still jumbled as he slipped away from the ADA building, not wanting to be questioned any further.