dum spiro, spero

chapter 4

Restless was one way to describe Akutagawa's sleep. Images of the nights events daunted him even in the safety of his unconscious mind. Every time he dozed off, he woke up drenched in a cold sweat. He was thankful that Gin was abroad for a mission because no amount of peer pressure could get Akutagawa to admit he was worried sick for an enemy, much less the weretiger.

Enemy.

For some reason, that word didn't roll off his tongue as easily as it did in the past when talking about Atsushi.

Did enemies rush to help when the other was in a time of need? Or was that a glimmer of human decency in Akutagawa's heart?

Did enemies feel the need to be holding the other in their arms, lulling themselves to sleep with the faux assurance the other was okay?

Akutagawa was too tired to think over his inner feelings, but was too afraid to sleep. He got out of bed and went into the kitchen, brewing a cup of tea. It wasn't until he was sat on the couch, clutching the warm mug until he realised just how lonely he was.

He didn't have a found family, who would do anything for him. He had Gin, but she was away a lot more recently. He had Chuuya, but he was afraid of opening up to him and making Chuuya realise he wasn't a good person to be around. The only other person he had was.. Atsushi. And now that Atsushi's life was in danger, he couldn't help but hug his knees to his chest and try to ignore the feeling building up and eating him from the inside.

Akutagawa fell into yet another dreamless, light slumber on his couch, a thin blanket loosely strewn over his body.

Akutagawa returned to the Port Mafia headquarters the next day. He had bags under his eyes, and no amount of concealer he had borrowed from Higuchi could cover them fully. His eyes were bloodshot with tiredness, and his movement was sluggish. He slumped over his desk, and barely noticed Chuuya walking up behind him.

"Akutagawa, my boy. What's going on?"

Akutagawa's head snapped up at the sound of his superiors voice.

"Nothing, Chuuya-san. Just didn't sleep the best."

Chuuya nodded in understanding.

"I see. Tell me if you need anything."

Chuuya didn't need to bring up what had happened, as if they had a silent mutual agreement not to speak about it. Akutagawa was damn thankful for that, because he didn't know how many more times he could hear the weretigers name without crying. He felt so.. unlike himself, as if the past few days had been an out of body experience. He'd not cried in years. The latest he could recall, disregarding the scenario with Yosano, was when his first friend had died in his arms, his blood splattered against the wall of an alleyway in the slums of Yokohama, the mixture of scents too overwhelming for him. The metallic smell of blood, the lingering scent of weed, the odour of stray dogs that never went away.

Chuuya squeezed Akutagawas shoulder affectionately and walked off. He himself felt upset about Atsushi. He'd only met him a couple times, but his positive energy was infectious it was difficult not to care for him. The last thing Chuuya expected was to hear through Dazai's broken sobs that he'd tried to kill himself.

The work day went excruciatingly slowly, and Akutagawa was more than thankful to leave the second it hit 5pm, unlike his usual habits of staying until the late hours of the night.

Before he could realise where his feet were taking him, he was standing outside the ADA building. He took deep breaths and pushed the doors open and sprinted up the stairs.

Akutagawa was a man who despised surprises. He hated the jolt that travelled through his bones when he was snuck up on when he was vulnerable. When he, despite his wits, couldn't understand what was going on and everyone was secretive. It was a petty fear in all honesty.

He hated surprises, unless it was the weretiger awake, sitting up in the bed.

Which he was.