"Joe calm down" my sister said
"I can't Zoe. What's he going to think of me now?" I shouted down the phone
"Joe, he's probably just trying to take it all in! You just need to take things slow okay? Don't scare him. Give him as much space as he needs" Zoe says slowly "okay. Go and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't feel the same way....... Then that's the worst that can happen. Okay?"
I sigh and say goodbye. I go back to the apartment and knock on Caspar's door "come in". I do so and see him say on the bed on his phone. "Hi" I say. Caspar looks up at me
"I....... I'm sorry" I say "I shouldn't of.......you know........" He nodded "don't worry. I understand"
But he didn't. He had no idea the pain I was going through just thinking of his reaction. "I just......Caspar, I've been trying to wrap my head around things lately and I've been questioning my own sexuality. It started two months ago" I said "you had just got with Gaby. I started seeing you in a different way......"
"Joe I don't really want to talk about it" Caspar said not looking up.
"No Caspar. We have to.... We can't keep going on like this" I say
"Joe I'm straight okay? I don't have feelings for you" it felt like I've just been slapped. I stare at the floor my mouth slightly open. "Joe i'm sorry"
"No it's okay. I get it your straight"
Caspars POV
I'm such a fucking dickhead! How could I say that to him! He looked so hurt! Why do I always say things like this?
Joes POV
Me and Caspar sit in silence for at least ten minutes before I get up and lock my bedroom door. I stare at my reflection in the mirror and sigh. Lately I've become really unhappy with my size. My thighs are huge and so is my stomach and hips. Fat. Worthless. Ugly. The voice in my head taunts and I go into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I sit on the floor and rock back and forth. Then I see it. A glint of metal, a sharp edge. Caspars razor. He must have left it in here when he used my shower. I pick up the razor with shaking hands and stare at it, twisting it round slightly. The sharp blades taunt me. I could do it, slit my wrist. I'll do what ever to numb the pain. What about Caspar? How would he feel? I bet he wouldn't care. No one would. But what if he did?
I throw the razor across the room. It hits the wall and spins across the floor and hits the pane of glass in front of my shower. I run me hands through my hair and wipe my tears away. I won't let him get to me. I stand up straight and go up to the kitchen. Caspar is there with a plate of chicken and pasta. "Hey. Yours it in the pan" I shake my head and lie down on the couch "joe....." I turn over and he fizzles out. I won't let him get to me. I won't let him get to me.
"Joe please....." I shut my eyes. I hear the sound of a chair scraping back and footsteps going downstairs.
Later when I'm lying in bed, the only sound in the apartment is the sound of Caspar sobbing.
