3 1/2 Harpers

If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going To Take A Nap

Elizabeth's POV:

I'm helping Alan in the kitchen when Charlie & Berta come down the stairs, so I enter the living room to see what's happening.

Charlie: "Can't we talk about this?"

Berta: "Sorry. I do single people only. I'm in, I'm out. There are no complications."

Charlie: "But I am single."

Then, Alan enters the room with a jar of peanut butter.

Alan: "Uh, Berta, I hate to bring this up again, but you just cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard. And on a related subject, the peanut butter stains on Jake's shirts really require an enzyme presoak."

Berta: "I hope you three will be very happy together."

Me: "Oh, come on, Bertie. You know I don't do threesomes anymore."

Charlie: "But who's gonna take care of me? Who's gonna do the laundry and the shopping, and the cleaning, and all the other stuff?"

Berta: "Ask the scrubbing bubble there."

With that, Berta leaves as Jake enters the room.

Jake: "Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?"

Charlie: "Why doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone. And we're all gonna die."

{Time skip}

Alan, Charlie & I are in the kitchen as Charlie stares at the empty coffee pot.

Charlie: "She left before she made the coffee."

Alan: "So? We'll make our own coffee."

Charlie: "How?"

Alan walks over to the coffee machine and presses the 'on' button before sitting at the kitchen table.

Charlie: "So now we just wait?"

Alan: "Yes. It takes a couple of minutes."

So, Charlie & I join Alan at the table.

Me: "Alan, this goes beyond coffee. Berta's been with us forever. She does everything. She's like a wife that leaves before you wake up and doesn't mind if you sleep around."

Then, as the microwave dings, Charlie jerks out of his chair and stares at the coffee pot.

Charlie: "Is that the coffee?"

Jake: "It's my peanut butter. Made it soft."

Alan: "Guys, I've been trying to figure out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here. Why don't I take over the housework?"

Charlie: "Berta did the shopping, too."

Alan: "I can do that."

Charlie: "She did our laundry."

Alan: "In her way, yes. But I can handle that, too. And look! I even made your coffee."

Alan pours the coffee into Charlie's mug.

Charlie: "Thank you.-*sips coffee*-No. Uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's."

Alan: "It's her coffee. I just pressed the button."

Charlie: "Berta's tasted...I don't know."

Me: "Christmassy."

Charlie: *snaps fingers* "Yes."