I'm Going to Lose Her, Again

Part 1

I can feel the grass scratching my skin underneath me as I lay down with her. Ella loves the stars, she always loves the stars. I remember being in this position with her before, in the tailgate of a truck, on the beach, on a roof, and now in a soccer field.

As she looks into my eyes with all the love in the world, I suddenly feel my throat tighten. I try to look at her the way I always have, silently telling her that if the world was ever cruel enough to let her slip away from me that I would spend the rest of my life traveling the universes to fall in love with her again, but I'm distracted by a small pain in my chest this time. What if this is the last one?

"What is it?" She's too focused on me now. I wish she'd look back up. Ella's always been able to see right through me.

"Nothing," I reply with a small smile, "I just don't want to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me. You're never getting rid of me, even if you try." I try to laugh with her but it isn't as easy as it once was. When I look at her, I see what I've always seen. The person I love, the person who no matter how they look they always are beautiful to me, the person who's voice I'm most afraid of forgetting. Only now, I see more than that. The small bruise on her leg she can't remember getting, her sudden weight loss that's apparent in her cheeks slowly losing shape, the cold she can't seem to kick. I'm going to lose her again.

"Regan?"

"Yeah, Ella?"

"Do you think we're soulmates in every universe?"

"I don't know, maybe." Yes, every single one. Always.

"What about the universe where I live on the other side of the world than you?"

"I think we'd find each other." Yes, even that universe.

"I wish I could live in all of them. Then even after we shrivel up like old little ladies we can go somewhere else and start all over." She smiles at the idea and turns away from my face to look back up at the night sky as a meteor streaks across the universe. It's one of those nights where it's so dark you can see every single star, even the little clouds of stars behind the brightest ones. These are my favorite nights, they remind me that the night isn't always dark. Sometimes it's like this, millions of fires raging throughout the infinite blackness, shining down onto us like they burn the way I burn for her.

I'm glad she's not looking, because I think she'd be able to see right through my face and into my brain and how I'm thinking. She has no idea. And how could she?

I turn my head to the side so I can keep watching her as she watches the stars fall above us. I saved this place for last, she looks almost exactly the same as the first time I fell in love with her. I reach out to hold her hand. As far as I can tell, that's the only thing that's different. She's missing the scar she had on her hand from when she fell off her bike in the first grade. I run my thumb over the spot it used to be.

I didn't realize that in saving the universe where she was most similar to my Ella, life would be so similar too. How long has it been since I watched her wither away in front of my eyes? I can't keep track anymore. I'm not sure if I can do it again. How am I meant to watch her as this cold sends her to the hospital? They'll run a test to see why she can't kick it and that's when they'll find the cancer. It'll be too far along to do anything. I'll try to get her to go to the doctor sooner, but she'll keep saying it's only a cold and she's far too busy to go to the doctor. Plus, she's scared of the needles.

"Regan?" She reaches out and pulls myself from deep in my head.

"Yes, Ellie?"

"Do you think we're soulmates in every universe?"

Yes. We are. And I'm running out of universes to fall in love with you.