The tears behind the smile.

Chapter 6: self harming

It was the morning. I woke up in the hospital bed, for a second I forgot where I was hoping I was dreaming, hoping the pain wasn't really there well it was. My mum came in panicking and looking in her purse trying to find something. 'Hi Sammy. You've been a sleep for a while I came in last night'

'Oh.... Ok'
'So how are you doing Sammy?'

I thought in my head you mean besides all the scars on my face and tubes going in to my arm?! I didn't say that because I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I said 'I'm fine mum just really tired'
All this speaking was exhausting! I didn't want to tell my mum to go away but I think she got the hint when my eyelids started dropping over my eyes.

'Well Sammy it's time to get you home I spoke to the doctors and they said you are well enough to come home so I'll go get the nurse to get those tubes out of you and then you start getting dressed'
'Yeah... Ok mum'
Then I just fell back asleep because I was too tired to sit up and wait for the nurse.

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I stepped into the house breathing in all the smells I missed in the hospital. I barely walked up the stairs to my bedroom, it was really tiring! I fell on to my bed and let out a loud sigh and looked over to my computer. There were so many messages! I was too tired to read any so I just laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling.

Suddenly my computer pinged. I looked over and saw a name I wished I would never see again. It was Jaden. Why can't he just leave me alone?! I looked at it and it said.. Meet me at the cafe by the beach I need to tell you something. Are you serious why would I want to meet him?! The computer pinged again. By the way if you don't come I will drag you there myself! My hands started shaking and my bottom lip was trembling. I squished my head into my pillow and screamed I was crying so much my head started to throb.

I lifted my head out of the pillow and stared at the wall. Everything was blurry. I sniffed and wiped my face with my hand. I picked up a book that was on my desk and read for a while. I wanted it to help me stop thinking about well, everything. It wasn't helping. I was so angry! I can't believe all those years I dreamed about him being my boyfriend!

I got up and threw everything off my desk. I punched the mirror and it shattered all over the floor. I fell to the floor and I pressed my face to my knees. I pulled my face out and something shined across the floor. It was a big sharp piece of glass from the mirror. I picked it up and pierced it through my arm. I was so angry with myself! I started slicing it across my arm. I couldn't even feel it I was to sad to feel anything.

I dropped the piece of glass on the floor and it splattered a bit of blood on the floor. I was crying so much I don't know why I just did that. It was a big mistake! I got a scarf from my bed and wrapped it round my arm so it wouldn't make a mess. I was so stupid what did I just do?! I pulled the bed covers over my face and fell asleep. My dreams are the only place where nobody can hurt me. I wish I could live in my dreams. Forever.