A Fallen Angel [Ed Sheeran Fanfiction]

Chapter 5

**Trigger warning (self hatred, depression, self harm thoughts)**

The paintbrush drags along the rough canvas as I sit at my desk. It was the night of the concert except about 3 am now.

After holding all of my emotions in and saying to myself "just wait until the concert," I couldn't decide what to do.

I feel empty and at a crossroads, so as an attempt to stay halfway sane, I decided to paint.

Painting is one thing that has helped me to get through life aside from music. I can do whatever I choose in a painting and create anything.

I like to have a sense of control as much as I can, which is allowed when I cut or skip a meal as well.

I already haven't eaten in close to three days, but I can't allow myself to cut tonight because I feel it would be a betrayal to Ed.

Finishing my painting, I closed the paint bottles and washed the brushes.

I walked into the bathroom after changing clothes for bed. Picking up my toothbrush and toothpaste, I began to look at myself in the mirror.

As I stared in disgust, I brushed my teeth and began to pick myself apart in my head.

'I'm absolutely worthless.'

'Who could ever want such a fat, fucked up person like me in their life?'

I washed out my mouth with water and began stumbling to get a blade, but stopped and took a deep breath.

"Not tonight." I reminded myself.

I turned out the lights and climbed into bed and hoped for at least an hour of sleep before school in the morning.

***

The alarm next to the bed shrieked, telling me that it was time to start the day. I hadn't slept but thirty minutes because of continuous nightmares.

'I don't think I can do it today.' I repeat over in my head, close to tears, but tell myself the one thing that gets me up:

'Maybe one day you will be able to meet Ed and you can thank him for all he's done for you.'

I drag myself out of bed and to my closet, picking out jeans and a baggy sweatshirt.

I put on light makeup and brush my teeth, then I grab my bag and run out the door while leaving breakfast sitting on the table.

I jump into my car and turn on the music that would calm me.

**********
I'm sorry this chapter is so short and late. I had in written in a notebook that I had kept someplace and forgot to take it with me. I hope you enjoyed. The next chapter should be coming sooner than this one.