I Recall Late December

If I could, I would do it all over again

~the problem is,

i would still

choose you,

over anyone

and

anything~

Harry never thought that it would be this difficult, that sitting down and talking things out would be so so difficult. It almost makes him feel like an adult. If he wonders these exact words out loud, he is sure Louis would laugh at him, telling him that he is a little over an adult now... but would he? Would he tell him that? Green eyes scan the face in front of him, barely making out his eyes. Harry can only see soft brown hairs if he is honest because the man in front of him seems more interested in looking at his shoes than anything. Everything feels difficult and different. It's not like how Harry imagined it over the last five years again and again. He should have been prepared for this day, for meeting Louis again and talking about 'them' in a small cafe; after all, that's what he has been thinking about for the last five years. But somehow, all these imaginary scenarios did not prepare him for this silence, for the way Louis isn't even looking at him, for the way his heart is breaking, cracking up like a glass with each passing silence, and the way the reality that they are not the same, nothing is the same anymore, is trying to settle in his stubborn bones.

"Focus on the game, Harry!" A pillow thrown at the back of his head causes Harry to divert his eyes from his side to the screen in front of him. He smashes the controller in his hand, distracted, as his friend Niall yells,

"Don't just look at the screen, play!"

Two more random smashes, and his player dies. A kick to his back and a cheer from his side makes him look down, biting the inside of his cheek.

"What the hell, man!?" Niall curses.

"I told you I did win!" says the man sitting next to Harry on the floor.

Chewing his bottom lip, Harry lets out a quiet "Sorry, Niall" before side-eying the smirking man.

"I told you I would win, H," he smiles, self-satisfied when he catches Harry's gaze.

"Don't be too cocky, Louis. We would have won if Harry hadn't been too busy staring at you," Niall shoots back. A soft pink color instantly creeps up Harry's cheeks and paints the tip of his ears.

"For god's sake, Niall," he curses under his breath, while a self-satisfied Louis winks with a "Too pretty to not look at me" comment thrown at Niall.

"Oh my god," Harry groans in his hands.

He looks up, his blue eyes watering as he bites his lower lip. "Twice, Harry. You rejected it twice."

"You were never the reason for it. Never." Louis just shakes his head, stubborn. Harry can see his hands shaking from where they are clasped together on the table. The man in front of him looks helpless, hunched over and oh so small and scared.

"Do you know, Louis? Do you know that they reached me again?" The man picks his head up a little to look at him, and Harry takes it as a chance to continue and get him to understand that he was never the reason for not taking that job.

"They reached me again a third time. This time with an even higher price, but you know what? I still refused it," he says with a surge of pride. "I refused it again, even when you were not there. Because I didn't want that job."

A sudden anger fills him up because how could he!? He left because of that? Didn't even tell Harry or ask him? Didn't Harry deserve that?

"I never wanted that job, Louis," he repeats, his voice sounding a little harsh this time, and he sees Louis' body shudder slightly at that, but he still continues to look at Harry with teary eyes and shaking head.