Estranged • h.s.

03

December 31st, 2023.

Niall tries to keep my hopes up. He has been for months now, but nothing feels good anymore. I'm a sad sack of shit day in and day out.

He's a good friend. I'm thankful to have a friend like him, I am. But I miss my best friend.

"Up and at 'em, Styles. You shat on Christmas, New Year's deserves a chance." He kicks my foot before sitting down across from me, hopping on the bar stool with a fresh pint of his disgusting beer. I roll my eyes, taking a drink of my own before looking around the tavern.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

Louis chuckles at that, looking back at me briefly before continuing to watch the game on the TV.

"Mentally?"

I shove his shoulder, making him blindly smack his arm back to try and hit me back.

I don't know why they even wanted to come out. We haven't gone anywhere in months, keeping our heads down in shitty no-lease apartments or hotels. Niall practically begged me to leave tonight, for something other than murder or answers. I couldn't say no.

A large part of me knows I shouldn't be having any fun when Cecily might be having the worst time of her life. She could be anywhere, she could be in pain. Why would I want to put myself in a situation where I'm forced to enjoy life?

"Cheer up, mate. We've made it a long way since October. We'll get to Chase soon, he'll give us more. I promise. We're gonna find her."

I scrub my face with my hands, inhaling a breath. "It's been five months, who knows what happened. What if-"

"Shut the fuck up. We agreed no 'what ifs'."

I nod, ruffling my hair before giving him a tight smile of agreeance. My hair is long, too long. It's grown shaggy and I don't have it in me to cut it. Not when I'd be ridding myself of the strands she touched. I can't.

I blindly pull at the hair at the bottom of my head, twirling the curls around my finger discreetly while I pretend to watch the game like my friends. Long blinks and the click of that damned green pen get me through it until every television is on the ball drop and everyone is gearing up for the new year.

Niall shoves a pair of New Year's glasses on my face, and I decide against fighting it. My friends are worried about me. I need to give them a break every once in a while, even if it kills me inside. Even if it makes me feel even worse. I smile at him, situating the glasses on my face.

"What's your resolution, lads?"

Louis chimes in, spewing some random bullshit about mastering a certain coding issue that sounds like utter gibberish to me and Niall. I just nod, pretending he's making sense. Niall looks at me, waiting for my answer.

"To find Cecily."

They both give me small smiles in return, offering their drinks in the air. I clink mine with them and take a huge drink to that.

The crowd of the bar starts to chant their countdown, and Niall perks up to do the same. The numbers shouted lower and lower cause my heartbeat to pick up. I feel a wave of that familiar feeling ready to crash over me.

The regret, the unknown, the worry. Anxiety is an old friend, one that has beaten me down to a vengeful void in these last few months. I've never given in like this, not since I first began to understand what was happening to my mother. I had mastered it and learned to recognize its faults. I was stronger, smarter.

Now, now it eats me alive at every given chance.

Every single person is cheering, eagerly waiting for the cliche of a New Year. I am being sucked into a vicious vortex of imagery. Her eyes, the crinkle in her skin when she smiles, the way she smells. Her laugh, the trust she put in me to keep her safe.