behind this broken smile

the reason why I stopped smiling

„I consumed this magic when I killed Sting"

„Wait, you did what?"

„My self from this period has still to overcome this process"

is my only answer towards my opponent and a cunning smile lies on my lips. Even through it has been a lie, I'm living with it very well all the years that have passed by. Because in a way it really was me who killed the White Dragon Slayer. I killed him out of inner weakness. If I only had been stronger on that day it happened. If I only had been within the guild when the attack occured. If I only had been strong enough to protect my loved ones.

************

After our loss at the Daimatu Enbu we rebuilt the entire guild. It was now really a place to call home since Sting became the new master. Everyone looked up to him and cheered. Everyone was in good spirits. Days full of laughter and joyce. Days we hadn't had while Jienma was still the master of Sabertooth. Even Sting changed to the better side. Still he acted sometimes like a little child but he became less arrogant as before our battle against Natsu Dragneel and Gajeel. Not even Sting, but also myself started to open up more and more towards our surroundings.

In this time something occured that seemed to be impossible for me in the first place. In the end, we became lovers and kept it secret infront of the other Guild members. I've never expected myself to be filled up with so much love from someone else. These days surely were the brightest in my whole life I've experianced so far. Never could I imagine to loose Sting and Frosch. In these days I thought we will stick together forever but in the end, I was wrong with my conclusion.

On that peticular day I was out with Minerva on a Job Request when the attack on Sabertooth happend. Later, I learned that dragons had appeared out of nowhere. Sting had fought well to protect the guild, but there were to many of the dragons present. When we arrived back at the guild all I notice is a giant battlefield. Blood and dust lies in the air. My entire body is shaking. Finally I'm able to locate my partner buried beneath a pile of rocks. He's still breathing but he is in a bad shape. Even through I'm still shaking I'm able to get ihm out of the rubble. „Sting..." is all I'm saying while I feel something liquid rolling down my cheeks. It is a mere whisper I'm able to bring out.

„At least you are save" is now his answer, showing a smile and in shock I notice the fading light within his eyes. ,No, I'm not' is my thought in this moment. I need him around me. Sting is the only one able to shield me from the darkness, that tries to take over my mind. He's the only one able to protect me from becoming corrupted by the shadows surrounding me. „I need you, Sting" are now the words I'm saying to him while more tears role off my eyes and I don't like the way he said those words. I won't accept him to leave. I simply won't accept the fact he could be leaving me behind.

„Don't worry, I'm fine"

„No, you're..."

„I'm always with you, don't forget it, Rogue"

are now his words towards me while he smiles in a gently way and my vision is now blurred from my own tears. ,Don't talk to me like you know we won't see us again' is now a thought popping up in my head. Somehow it feels right now like my heart is clenching in a hurtful way. My entire body feels like frozen up. „Don't you dare to leave me" is now coming out of me, not able to stop the tears that flow unstoppable. „I won't, Rogue. Please, take my magic so that I'm of help to you. Use it wise, my friend" is he now saying to me, ignoring Minerva approaching us and stubborn as I am I refuse at the begin to to act that way. No, he has to live. Sting has to live so he can be still with me. It makes it even harder for me when I recognize his plea within his sapphire-blue eyes. What will become of me if he isn't around me any more? What will happen to the guild, to Lector, to myself? Honestly I ignore the fact from begin with that Sting's wounds are severe. I ignore the fact from begin with that even if a healer like Wendy or Chelia was around wouldn't be able to save the one dearest to me.

I don't need to say anymore. I can't see anything through this cloudy veil of tears running down my cheeks. I can't really remember myself ,killing' him in the first place and absorbing his light. The only thing I remember is this short and gently smile he shows me while his life is fading away. I only remember being unable to accept the fact that he will never be around. Right there I feel like breaking down in many ways. I give up my last bit of resolution. I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to be strong. Damned, why am I not strong enough to protect the ones I love? Why am I so weak at begin with, why? Why wasn't I able to save him? Why? I'm plunged into utter despair while I'm drowned into the darkness surrounding me. This is all my fault. Because I wasn't strong. Because I wasn't here when I was needed. Because of me Sting had died.

He was the last lifeline I had to save me from the dark after the loss of Frosch half a year ago. Even through I've become unstable within my own magic it had been Sting's present than kept me falling into this vortex. It was only because of him I stayed the way I was. It was his light that kept me save. Now that he's gone like Frosch who's going to save me now? I start to hear a familiar voice deep within my soul and I accept the offer willingly to be one with the darkness. I regret being of no use. I really regret of being so weak in the first place.

Minerva is quite shocked to see me in this state. She keeps distance while I recognize something within her eyes I've never seen before. Fear. Yes, I've never seen her being afraid of anyone or anything. Slowly I rise, stare right at where she is standing and before she could act a vortex of shadow swallows her. I wipe away the tears, look at the scenery around me and in this moment I promise myself never to be caught up in any kind of emotions. Right in this moment I promise myself becoming stronger so that I can create at least a world without the ruthless ruler Acnologia roaring in the skies. I want to create a place worthy enough of harboring the bright memories I carry within my heart. So in this way I cast away this useless, weak and gentle side of me. Because this is the last time I allow myself of being filled with such weakness

************

He's too strong. Even now with Sting' magic within me I wasn't able to achieve my goals. But there is something Natsu Dragneel reminds me of, something I had forgotten in a long time. The truth why Sabertooth started to become a strong guild. Why Fairy Tail is Fiore's strongest guild in the first place. It's because of the strong bond towards their comrades they share. It's because they fight with their loved ones backing them up deep within themselves. Was I wrong to begin with or my mind just to clouded to recognize this simple thing in the first place? Sting. Frosch. No, I don't want to go through hell again. I don't want to loose them again so therefore I ask Natsu to remind me to protect those that are dear to me. „Natsu Dragneel, please remind me. Remind me from this day on in a year to protect Frosch" are my words towards him while I start fading away to return into my own time and I also end up telling him the name of the man who killed Frosch.

Back in my own timeline I seek out the place I formerly knew as the guild buidling of Sabertooth. Here within these ruins are the graves of those I hadn't been able to save. But I somehow feel a little flame of hope flickering deep inside me again. Hope in this way, that my self from back then will be able to fulfill what I wasn't able in the first place. Hope in this way, that my self from back then will not end up becoming this bitter self of me. Thanks to Natsu Dragneel I'm able to hope again. Thanks to his unbroken spirit I'm filled up with the memories I had cast away in the first place. Memories of the time where I wasn't broken while I tried to smile.

A time where he still was with me.

A time where I was loved and protected.

A time I've lost out of my sight.

so therefore my only hope resides in my former self in changing the future towards a bright one. So that I'm able to smile again and see those around me I cherish. So that I won't have to endure loneliness. So I won't have to end up as a lone survivor in a world filled and ruled by terror. For that I hope my self from back then will have the strength to protect the ones dear to us. I really see forward into a bright future where I won't be a desparate man filled up with vengenace, grief and intensions to kill. I really look forward into becoming myself what I've had promised such a long time ago. A man that will always stands behind his comrades. A man able to fight back the menacing shadows on his own. A man strong enough to protect those that are dear to him.