Sadie (18+)

Chapter 23

Today was the day that Julia and I would know where we'd be spending the next four years, and whether they'd be together or apart. She had placed the crisp envelopes in the middle of the dining room table, side by side. I had received mine days ago, but we'd promised to open them together.

We were waiting for Vincent to come home from work. He was due any minute, and Julia was starting to lose her patience. I, on the other hand, felt strangely detached.

I no longer yearned for the freedom that college promised. It was a place without Vincent, and that's what startled me. I'd become so reliant on him for happiness, and extended periods of time without him sounded like hell.

I feigned enthusiasm for Julia, even tried digging deep for the girl I was before Vincent came along, the girl that dreamed of the college life, of decorating her dorm room for the first time, of joining a sorority and attending parties and meeting cute boys. Would that version of myself ever come back?

"Finally!" Julia hollered when the front door opened. Vincent laughed and placed his bag down, his mood already showing drastic improvements. It was rather strange; I hadn't seen him this happy in a long while.

Gina had just come back up from the basement, a large stack of folded, clean bath towels situated in her grasp and practically blocking her face.

"Let me take that," Vincent said, immediately lifting the towels from her. She mumbled a timid "thank you", but there was a moment when their eyes met, a gentleness that suggested things may be on their way to getting patched up. "Let me put these away, and then we'll open up the letters."

Julia rolled her eyes. "Great. That'll be another hour." There was a certain look on her face, though, a relieved one upon seeing her parents act somewhat normal again.

I wanted to be happy for her, for them. Instead, it made me so sick I could puke.

When he returned after several minutes, Julia eagerly handed me my envelope. I stared at the thick piece of paper in my hand, unsure of what to feel. Julia started tearing her envelope open so I did the same, but much less chaotically.

"Ready?" she asked me, her deep brown eyes filled with excitement.

I nodded; we both unfolded our paper, and I began to scan my own letter as it shook in my trembling grasp.

Julia read aloud. "Dear Julia Alessi, on behalf of Oakwood University, we are happy to congratulate you on your admission to the upcoming fall semester..."

I followed suit: "Dear Sadie Rockwood, on behalf of Oakwood University, we are happy to congratulate..." I didn't need to finish, as Julia had tightly wrapped her arms around me and planted a wet smooch on my cheek. I giggled, wiping her spit off with my sleeve.

"We did it," she breathed out, her vanilla scented perfume wafting around us. "We did it!"

Her excitement and animation was awfully contagious, and I briefly imagined a future in which I had moved on from all of this. I had less than six months to get over Vincent, to be the best friend Julia always deserved. Maybe I could change.

"Congratulations, kiddo," Vincent said to Julia with a large grin, his dimples evident. His hand was on the small of Gina's back, a seemingly casual placement yet Gina's expression indicated it was anything but. She was unusually quiet, but who could blame her? She'd found her borderline alcoholic husband with a smashed bottle of beer all over the office desk.

Vincent was trying, nonetheless, and that realization was suffocating even if Gina was not yet receptive to it.

Julia ran to hug her parents, and I watched from across the room with an emptiness that I'd felt all of my life, and how, no matter what, I would never have what she did. I would never feel that kind of unconditional love; Gina and Vincent's efforts would never compare to what it would be like to have a mother and father that radiated such devotion, no matter the circumstances.

They may be dealing with an array of issues, but their love for their daughter remained constant, and with that brought the two of them closer. With Julia nestled in between her parents, there was a gentle smile lifting the corners of Gina's mouth. As far as Julia was concerned, all was right again in the world.

They came over to congratulate me after embracing Julia, with Vincent's hug rather stiff, though I couldn't blame him for that. We were on better terms again, but those terms still meant he was cheating on his wife with his daughter's best friend.

Gina squeezed my shoulder and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Great job, honey. We're so proud of you."

Vincent turned to me with a strange expression, his eyes darting around my face like he couldn't decide what to say to me. He settled with a neutral praise. "Nice job, Sadie."

I nodded and gave a small smile, though my heart broke a little upon hearing such an impersonal tone. "Thanks."

I accepted their display of support, but I was not in the dining room with this family anymore, next to those torn apart envelopes. My mind had taken me far into a dissociative state, like I was watching through a muted television screen, withering and fading away.

After some time, I slowly weaseled my way out of the house, but not before Julia asked to me join them later for dinner at a steakhouse; her grandparents and Tony would also be attending. I agreed, though it sounded dreadful, and then I headed home.

I was absolutely miserable; it was not like me to be filled with such jealousy, but witnessing that tender moment had sent me over the edge and filled with me a suffocating sense of loneliness.

Whatever happened between Gina and Vincent didn't help, either, as it was an indicator that he was actively trying to fix things between them, and it was working. I should be enthralled that Julia's family dynamic would be better again, but I wanted Vincent to myself. It was a repulsive and selfish thing to want, but I couldn't help it.

When I stepped inside my empty house, I was filled with a sadness and rage that pushed me to the brink of temporary insanity. I stomped up to my bedroom and threw myself onto my bed, allowing the tears to erupt like a faucet. My "relationship" with Vincent, one that I had started, was ruining my life and slowly chipping away at what previously made me a good person, a decent person at least.

Once I'd kicked my shoes off and crawled under the covers, sleep took over, the salty tears drying against my cheek.

My nap, however, was interrupted an hour later by countless calls and texts from Julia. They would arrive in less than an hour to pick me up. I palmed my eyelids, attempting to rid the puffiness that fogged my vision.

I took a quick shower and began to get ready for the dinner that would undoubtedly reinforce my feelings from earlier. The bitterness would not leave me; it hung on angrily and dangerously no matter how hard I tried to free myself from it.

Alcohol was the one thing that always seemed to help, but the last thing I wanted was to show up drunk to a dinner I was getting treated to. I swallowed down the ridiculous temptation as I slipped on my beige, off-shoulder sweater dress. I lightly applied makeup, curled my hair, and then paced around my living room until they arrived.

There weren't many photos in our house, but I liked the one that hung on the center of the wall that the couch was against. I was maybe five or six there, my hair much lighter and curlier, my blue eyes bright and sparkling. My mother was carrying me on her shoulders, a big, toothy smile on her face. We were posed in front of the ocean. She looked so youthful, happy, and dare I say beautiful. I didn't like to compliment her, but in that photo, she truly was.

I shut my eyes for a second, imagining I had traveled back in time to that precious, innocent moment, the sun warm on my skin, the salty wind lapping at my hair. Did my father take the photo?

A car horn beeped, violently pulling me out of my trance. I grabbed my college acceptance letter and placed it down on my mother's desk, and then slipped on my coat and prepared to leave.

I was ready, but on the way out, I eyed the bottle of wine sitting on the kitchen counter. I paused for a moment, deciding.

"Oh, what the hell," I said aloud, my voice echoing in the empty house. I popped the cork and took a long, much-needed swig, and then I was out the door.