all you have is your fire

six

Rain pounded against the side of the ambulance, fierce and unyielding in its ever growing intensity. The gusts had to be over forty miles an hour by now, bordering on a tropical depression.

Derek's knuckles blanched as he gripped the steering wheel, doing his best to compensate against the wind as he rounded the last turn. A memory pushed to the surface of his mind, of a day two years ago, nearly identical to this one, except there hadn't been a storm that night. At least not an actual storm with rain and wind. The storm he'd experienced two years ago had ripped through his heart with the force of a hurricane without a single drop of water. It sent waves crashing down on his life, washing away all of his hopes and dreams in one fell swoop.

"Grandma? I'm here to take you shopping." Derek walked down the hall towards her open door at Sunnyside, ready for a day just like any other Friday. Except today he was excited to tell her his news about the scouts coming to the football game tomorrow. Two men who once they saw him on the field would be so impressed they wouldn't want to wait for the draft. And then grandma would be so proud - her only grandson, a professional football player!

But his words lodged in his throat at the sight before him - several paramedics hovering over her, one with his hands pressed to her chest, pulsing in a steady rhythm.

"Grandma!"

"Get back, kid." One of the paramedics sneered, a man with spiky blonde hair. "Someone get this guy out of here!"

"But I-" Derek peered around him, tears spilling down his cheeks as panic seized him. "But she's my-"

"Hey, it's okay." A calm voice broke through a din as a gentle hand pressed into his shoulder, kind green eyes shifting between him and the scene before them. "Malia has it all under control."

"But if she..." Derek wiped fresh tears from his eyes. "Are you sure she'll be okay?"

"She will." The man nodded. "I promise."

She wasn't. After ten minutes, the paramedic leaned back, wiped sweat from his brow and shook his head. Derek sank to his knees, pulse thundering in his ears as sobs burst from his chest. The other paramedic - the rude one - placed a blanket over her lifeless body.

This couldn't be happening. It was a nightmare. He'd wake up any moment on the football field and Grandma would be there in the stands, clutching her pennant, ready to cheer him to victory.

Not... not –

Derek blinked his eyes closed as rain streamed down the windshield. Two years later, and here he was. The place where the course of his life changed.

Slowly he climbed out of the cab, then shut the door behind him, the brick structure looming before him.

"Derek!" Stiles' voice called out over the wind and rain. "What are you standing there for? Let's go!"

"I...I –" Derek stammered as rain poured over his face, flashes of that night two years ago playing in his mind. One of the worst days of his life.

He couldn't do this. He didn't know why he thought he could.

And if he couldn't set aside his emotions to save someone's life, then what kind of firefighter was he?

Derek turned around, struggling against the wind to pull open the door to the ambulance. Stiles would have to do it without him. Hopefully there were enough nurses inside. Hopefully it was just another fainting spell. Hopefully...

"Derek, don't you dare!" Stiles grabbed his shoulder and spun him around. "I know this is a bad day for you, but you need to do this!"

"But I can't!"