Why Do I Cut?

Part 10

I was challenged by a follower (I really hate that we are followers now and not fans) to not cut myself and to try other ways of coping with my pain.  I told her I would try and I was actually able to go two weeks without cutting.  This is huge for me!  I unfortunately ended that today.  I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.  I have been watching my scar slowly fade and I just couldn’t deal with not having it there.  I needed to get it back.  I sound so crazy don’t I?

During those two weeks I had a couple of really bad panic attacks. Luckily for me I had my husband here to help me through one of them.  I think I shocked him with how fast it came on and how out of control I really was.  He just held me and talked to me the whole night and I was able to stay away from the blade.  That doesn’t mean that I didn’t want it however.  I was thinking the whole time just how badly I wanted to cut.  I thought about sneaking away and just cutting but I didn’t want to disappoint him. I know it breaks his heart that he isn’t here to help me.  We only see each other every five weeks and he blames himself for my panic attacks.

            These last couple of weeks the blade has been calling my name and taunting me.  I had a really weak moment and gave in.  I have been fighting with myself these two weeks.  I feel empty and I have this fear when I don’t cut.  I’ve been trying to keep busy and trying to help others so that I don’t have a lot of time to dwell on my own problems.   It helped for a while but the need to cut was always there, right under the surface.   I am really losing my mind.  I give into this need to harm myself too many times.  It’s not normal and I don’t want it to rule me or my life, but I know it does. 

            It would be easier to give up if it didn’t relax me so much.  When I have these panic attacks, and weak moments it helps take the emotional pain away.  It helps me feel like I am taking back control of my body.  I am ridding myself from this panic that has taken over, and slowly my breathing comes back and my heart stops beating quite so fast and I’m able to think of other things. 

I know that there are other answers, other things such as professional help or medication that would help me but right now I just can’t seem to give this up.   Not to mention that I am terrified to tell a professional about my issues.  I know I’m crazy but to be told that, would crush me.  I’m not sure that I’m ready or willing to give it up.  These two weeks have been crazy.  I have really struggled with myself.  I would wake up after finally falling asleep only to have this deep need to cut.   The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I was too tired to get out of bed and find my blade.  I would catch myself rubbing my wrist or scratching at it so I could peal some of the skin away and cause the scar to stay.   I would scratch hard enough that it would turn red and at least show up a little bit more.  I would pinch myself or hit myself or tell myself that I didn’t need it and that eventually I would feel better.  But I know that that just isn’t true.  I’ve been doing this for so long that I just don’t see how it will ever feel better.  It’s like my own personal drug or addiction.  Weird I know but I just can’t stop and the feelings that I have dealt with while not cutting were just not worth it.  It is truly a need, not a hey look at me I cut myself thing.  I don’t want the attention I need the pain, the scar, the cut, to feel relief and to feel in control.  So yeah I did attempt to quit but I don’t think I will try again any time soon.