The Frog at the Top of Frosty Mountain

Man Eating Alligators (and also some crocodiles)

The sewers reeked of poo poo and pee pee. (Yes, this is a family story. I need to watch my language.) The Author threw up immediately when he landed in the sludge that flowed through the large concrete tubes that formed the maze like sewer system.

"I should have asked that rat for directions." The Author said as he waded through the piss and shit. (Oops.)

The Author was horribly lost, and as he made his way through the sewers, he couldn't help but notice tiny eyes watching him from the darkness. The eyes would emerge from the water every now and then, then pop back down just as quickly as they appeared.

"If any alligators are listening, I just want to make the case that I'm not a very good meal. My colesterol levels are high and I think I might have diabetes."

"Wow, you have diabetes too!" Said a cherful voice.

"Who's there?" The Author asked, afraid of who might answer.

A long, green snout popped out of the water. It was an Alligator, smiling a very toothy grin.

"Name's River Waters." The alligator said. "Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I haven't had my insulin shot today. Just one bite of you would give me diabetic ketoacidosis."

"I'm so sorry."

"That's okay. There's usually plenty of insulin vials floating around down here, but today I can't find any. Can you help me look for one?"

"Can you help me out of here if I do?"

"Of course! I know this place like the back of my tail."

The Author travelled through the sewer with River, keeping an eye on anything that was floating. Tiny eyes continued to watch him, and he realized with horror that they were other alligators.

"Don't worry, they won't hurt you." River said. "We call dibs on things down here. I called dibs on you first."

The Author imagined what would have happened if some other alligator had called dibs on him first. He had the mental image of a far gator using his femur as a tooth pick, and he didn't like it one bit.

"There's something!" River cried out. He swam towards a backpack floating in the sewage, one that The Author recognized very well.

"That's mine!"

The Author opened the backpack and found that everything he had brought with him was still there: his water bottle, a towel, headphones and his phone.

"The police must have tossed it in the gutters."

"Police? What happened?"

The Author told River about the misadventure with the pigeon. River opened his mouth wide for a big laugh.

"I'd never trust a pigeon. They're always trying to pick the meat out from in between my teeth when I'm not looking. It's so weird, they love chicken. Isn't that cannibalism? I mean, I get that they're different species. But it's weird, right?"

"It IS weird!"

The Author and River spent the next few minutes discussing the mechanics of cannibalism. After that, they continued their search for insulin in silence.

"Aw man, we aren't going to find any today..."River said, breaking the silence. "I might as well give up and eat you. That way we'll both die. I'll bite your head off, it won't hurt a bit. I promise."

"Look over there!" The Author said. He pointed to a small tiny vial floating in front of them.

It was River's salvation.

"Dibs!" The alligator said happily. He opened his mouth to swallow the vial, but the sound of heavy breathing ahead made him stop.

"Wait just a second, partner." Said a deep, booming voice.

A crocodile three times bigger than River stood in the tunnel in front of them. He was very mean looking, with multiple battle scars running down his snout. His snapped his jaws down on the air in front of them, showing off his sharp teeth.

"Who's this guy?" The Author asked.

"That's Bruce Fisher Jr. His dad runs things down here." River explained.

"That's right." Bruce said proudly. "That's why I get anything I want around here, even if someone else called dibs on it first.

"Okay, no. Just no." The Author said. "I'm tired of you rich and powerful people always taking everything away from us. I've had people taking heaps of profits off of my book sales without seeing a single cent, and I won't stand by watching another little guy bowing down to the big man."

The Author removed the towel from his backpack, soaked it with sewage, and began whipping at Bruce's snout.

"Hey, quit it!" Bruce shouted as he backed up. "I'm going to tell dad! He's going to be so mad when he comes!"

"That's right, go on crying to your daddy!"

Bruce turned around crying and fled into the darkness.

"I can't thank you enough for what you did for me today." Rivers said as he led The Author to a ladder. "If you ever come down to the sewers again, you can count on me to be your guide."

"Thank Rivers." The Author said. He began climbing the ladder up to street level and stopped halfway to say something. "See you later, alligator"

"We don't like it much when people say goodbye to us like that, but I'll give you a pass."

The Author smiled and pushed the man hole cover above him to the side. Fresh air hit him like sunshine on a cloudy day. He climbed up to the street, waved good bye to Rivers, and put the cover back in it's place. At last, he could continue his walk to Frosty Mountain in peace.

Meanwhile, somewhere beneath him, Bruce Fisher Sr roared with rage.