Myosotis

Pulses

'I'm standing all alone'

- Sta feat. A, 'Pulses'

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Beep. Beep. Beep.

Alice watched the green line on the heart monitor screen beside her absently.

Beep.

It spiked up.

Beep.

It dipped down.

She was entranced by its erratic movement. Those lines proved that she was alive, they represented her heart beat, her life.

Something that Hans should still have.

'How fragile life is,' Alice thought to herself. If the line were to go flat, she would die. As long as it kept going, she would live - it was so simple. You either live or die.

So why was she alive?

She should be dead. She knew that she should be. The impact of being hit by a truck should have killed her instantly. Just like her brother.

Alice subconsciously clenched her fists. It was at times like this she felt a small spark of emotion towards her dearest brother that she couldn't find the words to describe and she knew to be not at all positive. After feeling it, she would feel guilty and absolutely horrified she dared to think such a thing, but it happened; a small spark burning in her chest that closely resembled resentment.

"Why would she feel such a thing?" one may ask. It was simple. In his act of love and sacrifice, he died and left her behind all alone. She resented him for not thinking about the consequences of his actions. He went ahead and died protecting her, leaving her alive to live with the guilt of being partially responsible for her brother's death. And not to mention, she couldn't live without him. How could she? The least he could've done was leave her to die together with him so she wouldn't have to live with the pain of losing a loved and reliving that day over and over and over again. So how dare he, how dare he, leave her behind like that.

(She could still feel his arms wrapped around her as he embraced her in his act of self-sacrifice and the warmth of his skin and his breath as he inhaled and exhaled, still alive.

And his eyes, oh god, his eyes, as she peered up at him in panic and confusion as he gave a a small smile that told her everything would be alright, even though it wasn't, and a small comforting squeeze of the hand which left her believing his lie although it was so obvious that everything was not alright.)

(...That stupid, selfish, reckless brother of hers.)

But even if she felt that slight hatred towards him, Alice knew she loved her brother dearly. Bitterly, she thought, 'I guess it's true, 'You can't truly hate someone until you've cared about them. Until you've loved them'.'

(And at that moment, she let go of her morals for a few seconds and wished that she didn't truly love her brother, because then she wouldn't be in this much pain.)

Beep.

The green line spiked up.

Beep.

The green line dipped down.

(Briefly, Alice wondered what would happen if she just made the line go flat.)

Unfortunately, that is a tale for another day.