Kaleidoscope

Motif 3 : Broken

October 8

I could hear my heartbeat loud and clear as I lay in bed, willing my eyes to close. It was nighttime and the whole world around me was quiet, as they dreamed of many things together. My eyes never did close though, lashes always parting the second they joined. The hands of the clock beside me moved ever so slowly, the loud rhythmic movement reverberating through the room and the blue duvet below me was wrinkled and scrunched, the result of my unsuccessful tossing and turning in the hopes of finding sweet slumber. The room was humid and I was sweating slightly, my brown hair sticking to my forehead.

Tick Tok. Once. Twice. Thrice.

All I wanted to do now was to send the clock flying and tear apart the hands of time embodied as the timekeeper beside me, but I was too tired to do so. I couldn't move my limbs as I lay there immobile and helpless. This is what happens everyday. 

 I cannot sleep. 

I suffer from severe insomnia, generally, but every couple of weeks, I have episodes. I tend to suddenly fall asleep without any warning in the middle of any activity irrespective of time and completely surrender to deep slumber for atleast the whole day, my body forcefully taking up what it had been denied. My parents first encountered this when I was about 10 years old. I had been fine until then but slowly it became hard for me to fall asleep. I would only rest in the hours of early dawn and wake up once the sun hit my face in the proper morning. I became too tired to go to school, too tired to concentrate and that was when my life started becoming my living inferno. 

My family did not take it seriously at first and though I was supposedly going through a rebellious phase in my life. But hardly did they understand that I was a helpless, suffering child who needed help. My moods would switch with the blink of an eye. 

Happiness. Switch. Anger. Switch. Grief. Switch. 

A distinct memory was when it happened for the first time. I had been reading up on the different constellations of stars for a week, late into the night because I wanted to learn everything about it and I could grasp it faster than the rest of my classmates, when, my mom caught me in the act, with a flashlight and the sheets over my head and gave me an earful, taking my book away and tucking me in tightly. That was when I realised that I hadn't slept for 3 days straight. My whole body was begging to go to rest but when I closed my eyes, I started seeing images.

Images of different constellations that I had just read upon, the different dead bugs that were shown in television and a torpedo of words and symbols and vivid pictures were rattling my brain and forcing it to stay awake as it desperately tried organise itself from chaos. And before I knew it I was screaming as a big terantula spider, very similar to the one I had seen that day on television, whizzed past my door to try and get to me. It took a while for my parents to bring me under control. I was acting manic.

Only then did my parents realise that I needed help. They took me to a lot of psychologist who prescribed various medications. The medications that were supposed to induce sleep only induced vivid nightmares that turned into hallucinations once I awoke due to the lack of sleep. I turned violent and aloof. And they then decided to take me to the physicians. After a lot of tests and scans, they concluded that there was nothing wrong with me, while what they really meant was that they could not find the cause for my problem. Many futile visits to psychologists later, I found a person who prescribed me a certain set of medications that worked. They worked to give me a sense of calm every night, dulling the swirling information inside my head to allow me to get a few hours of sleep. Best case would be me getting two hours of sleep a day, although somedays, I got close to none.

And so it began, my internal struggle to control myself. I knew I was different and I had given up to try and bring back normalcy into my life and figured that I was better off this way. I just had this deep fear that I would somehow hurt the ones I loved and slowly severed my connections with them. I lost a lot of  friends and family but instead of pining over them, I started talking to numbers and pictures every night. And then, when I was about 13, I really discovered the world of numbers. I found that numbers relaxed me. They distracted my mind from feeling any weakness or frustration and diverted all my saved energy towards solving complexity, and complexity always intrigued me. The thrill of connecting the dots of knowledge to discover the hidden truths of the human mind was unparalleled. That is how I managed to earn the title of a "Whiz-kid". I was the National Math Olympiad Champion in all the years I participated and people noticed my ability. It earned me a free ride to New York University. I chose to choose my brain over my heart. Years of practice is what took me to be who I am now- using my energy to sharpen my intellect and neglect the living.And though I enjoyed the admiration of those who appreciated my talent, I was still cursed with a very flawed personality. 

 And everyday when the sun moves on to awaken the other side of earth, I prepare myself to face the demons in dark.

 My thoughts .

  

I go through my day inside my head when I am not thinking of numbers and symbols, it helps me while away time in those days when I am blessed with no visits from sleep. While all the heralds of the morning are tucked in their nests safely in slumber, comes the point of time where I give up and let my thoughts flow. It starts with the beginning of my day and sequentially moves on till the end, just like a dream, just like rewinding time till sunrise and watching your life unfold itself before you till sunset everyday. Every insignificant happening latching itself to my memory. Every mistake, every moment of euphoria, every death-wishing sorrow burning deep into me, forever simmering.

I knew my life was not ordinary but deep down I knew I still had a chance at normalcy. The question was, did I want it ?

I let out a deep sigh and found the timekeeper beside me slowly lulling me to light rest indicating dawn. My thoughts steadily fizzled out until I could only hear the calm tremble of my heart reverberating through the room.  

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Hello !! . This was the third installment and I hope all of you reading liked it . Please do support me by voting and commenting . Cheers !!