Not Your Just Because (Stitched Hearts, #2)

The Complexity of Humans

Leaning my head back against my new office chair, I close my eyes and listen to the singer crooning the words of Not Your Just Because.

My heart aches at the pain written in the lyrics.

Hayvin never ceases to amaze me with her talent.

I bet my girl doesn't know just how closely I actually do follow her career. I'm sure she probably thinks I know nothing about it. Or anything about her in general.

That's on me too.

In my fucked up head, letting her know how fucking obsessed I actually was about her made me vulnerable. It gave her the power to fucking destroy me and someone having that over me wasn't anything I was comfortable with. Not with all the ways I've seen that power corrupted to cause pain to others.

In the end, I was the one that ended up causing pain to the person I love.

I was the one unintentionally corrupted the love my girl had for me. Just the thought sours my gut because I don't know if I'm able to fix it. I want to. Fuck, I want to so damn bad, but I don't think I deserve it, let alone whether she'd even be open to it.

It's hard to admit that you're the reason the person you love the most is in pain.

For so long, I've been in denial that I was doing anything wrong. That I couldn't be hurting Hayvin because I wasn't doing anything that could hurt her. I was simply hanging with my friends whenever I felt like it.

She was uncomfortable with Jerica, but I was stupid enough to not understand why. Or I acted like I didn't, anyway. Because admitting that would make me not look at myself in a good light.

The more I think about it, the more I understand that I did know.

We always manage to justify the unjustifiable.

At least in our own minds.

I was so consumed by my need to protect myself that I couldn't see the person in front of me. The one that was loving me, picking me, choosing me. While I seemed to do the opposite.

Except in my head.

In my head, I was loving her, I was picking her, and I was choosing her.

But even in there, I was lying to myself.

The only person I was choosing was me.

I was trying to hide from love while still keeping Hayvin at my side. It was really fucking selfish of me because she was upfront with me from the start.

I was open to the possibility of a future with her. Hell, I've never closed that door, but the more we were together, the closer we got to one another, the tighter that fear put me in a chokehold. It wrapped its malicious fingers tight until I was struggling to pull air into my lungs.

It was as if I couldn't take a breath until I put a barrier between us. But while that allowed the fear to release me from its hold, it only served to create more distance between us.

Until that distance was such a chasm that I don't know if I can ever close the gap between us.

There's only one person, outside of Hayvin or Everleigh, who could help me understand where her head is at. Someone who has sort of been where Hayvin is right now. If she didn't already know what was going on between Hayvin and I, there'd be no way I'd go to her for advice. It wouldn't be appropriate. But since she does, I'm hoping she can unstick my head from my ass and fucking spell it out for me even more than she and Keaton already have.

I raise my head from my chair and grab my phone from my desk. The sight of Hayvin greets me when I unlock my screen and even as it's a bittersweet sight, it never fails to pull a smile from me.

It's the one image of her I never want to lose and I'm so fucking thankful all my pictures backed up into a cloud when I broke my damn phone.

This picture paints her feelings clear as day for me. It was before I started breaking her heart, because that look in her eyes scared the fuck out of me. The crazy thing is, it's also that look that I wanted branded on my fucking soul.

Me: Hey. Do you think you and Keaton have time to chat?

Charlie: Keaton is at work. Give me a sec. Let me check in with him and see where his head is at.

Me: Thanks, Char.

It's only a few minutes later that I'm getting a reply from her.

Charlie: He said if you need us, we'll be there.

Me: Thanks. Meet at Grinders or does he want me to meet you all somewhere else?

Charlie: Nope. Grinders is fine. See you in a few.

I close out the thread between us and pull up Keaton's number. I hit the message icon and start a new thread between us.

After I left the company, I also pulled away from David. I haven't talked to Jerica since that day in the restaurant when I told her we couldn't be friends anymore. Things were strained between David and me after that. Mostly because he was struggling with my decision to cut his sister out of my life. He couldn't understand why I needed to do that if I didn't have feelings for her. I tried to explain to him that I don't, but it's deeper than that. I hurt Hayvin by using Jerica as a buffer between us when I felt overwhelmed by what Hayvin was making me feel. Since I planned on doing whatever I could to get her back in my life, I needed to cut out anything that could make her uncomfortable.

I don't know whether she'd have an issue with me being friends with David, but I wanted to be safe anyway by putting distance between us.

It fucking sucks, because he's been my best friend for as long as I can remember. But it's another thing that I have to lay at my feet. If I hadn't been so scared of the love that Hayvin made me feel, then I wouldn't have used Jerica and him as a way to put space between us and she wouldn't have a reason to not be comfortable with them.

As my friendship with David waned, the small one I had with Keaton has grown a little. It'll never be best friend status. There's too much there for it ever to progress to that, but it's enough for us to call each other friends, which is pretty surprising when I think about it.

I've not really been able to mesh with anyone from my new job yet, so it leaves my friend pool pretty slim right now.

Me: Thanks for taking off work to come meet me.

Keaton: No biggie, man. You've been there for us when we needed it. I still hate you, but I can repay the favor.

I chuckle at his text because I know there's a bit of truth to it. We've had a lot of talks since he and Char got back together. We've aired out a lot of shit and shared a lot of feelings that needed to be shared. I think it's what made us able to tolerate the other.

I know there's some people who don't like being friends with their exes or people they've slept with. Or some who can't be friends with them. I can understand them, but all people aren't the same. What one person or one couple can't tolerate, another can. It doesn't mean either is better or that one is doing it the right way and the other the wrong. It simply means that humans are complex.

Nothing is ever simple about them and there's something fantastic about that.