Anchor

Welcome to the Land of Ishness

Trigger warnings: 

Contains: Depression, loneliness
Non-spicy

~~ 

The world is silent. Muted. Nearly black and white. Just the gentle orange hue of the streetlights breaking the colorless existence once in a while. My hands are buried deep inside my pockets as I huddle deeper in my jacket. My eyes trained on the ground, just a few paces ahead of me. Gentle, thick snowflakes glide down from the gray sky, covering the world in more white. But ever so slowly and silently. There is no moon to illuminate my path, but I don't need it. My feet know the way as my thoughts wander elsewhere.

I don't even know what prompted me to get here. Why I wasn't safe in my own warm home, buried under a pile of blankets, but instead walked around in the cold. I don't know where I am going either. It is not a thought that worries me. And I don't know why I'm not bothered more by the fact that it doesn't worry me. It just is. And I still don't know if that is a good thing.

The world around me changes slowly. It's so slow that I don't notice it until it's too late. The orange hue is no longer there. Instead, I walk in complete darkness. But that's just the thing, isn't it? You adapt to your surroundings. The darkness doesn't seem so dark anymore if you wallow long enough in it. It becomes the new normal. At one point, flashes of bright light illuminating the path in front of me are too bright. They hurt my eyes as they tried to adapt, so instead I chose not to. I divert my eyes from the new light, keeping myself safe. Am I? Is this me being safe? Nobody can see me here. Alone. Nobody can hurt me either if I don't allow them close to me. I hear laughter in the distance, and I freeze a little. Luring voices draw me closer. My heart warms just a little at the sound, but it's not loud enough yet. Not enough. And when the laughter fades away, I become all the more aware of the coldness surrounding me.

Snow is odd. Secretly dangerous. It can turn a dark night bright again. Make me see the shadows a little clearer. But it covers everything. It mutes the sound of my footsteps on the wet path. It silences every sound that would be lingering around. Slowly covering the world in a soft, fluffy blanket. The world is still colorless, even if it feels differently. It looks so much better, but is it really? The cold slowly overtakes everything, like a silent assassin. You don't realize it until it's too late. The dark before was comforting, but this almost feels debilitating. There is no more hiding from the fact that I am alone. There is absolutely no one hiding in the shadows. Nobody is there to watch over me or bother me with silly things. The snow clings to everything it touches, yet I am surprised to see that it doesn't cling to me. Strangely, it makes me feel more alone. Unworthy. I want to be part of the snow. Be devoured by the endless white; be part of the flakes that will one day be no more. I glance back to where I come from, but I see nothing but the endless white. Not even my footsteps are visible anymore. There is no turning back. But I cannot stop. I mustn't stop. Something in me pushes me on, one step in front of the other. No matter how thick the snow gets, my shoe glides through it like a warm knife through butter. It is the one thing that keeps me going. Despite my muscles shaking to try and stay warm and my movements becoming sluggish from the biting cold, I push on. In silence. Alone. But still here.

A thought slowly enters my mind, and I give it time to form and grow. To become my new reality. The snow doesn't stick, because I'm still here. I'm still breathing, still have a beating heart in my chest. I frown.

I am aware of people walking next to me. They show up and walk a few paces, but they always leave. Some without saying goodbye. Nobody can go on this journey with me. This is my path that I have to face, even if I can no longer see a path in front of me. I was aware of these shapes ever since I started my journey, but I never paid them much attention. It wasn't because I thought they weren't worth it. It is because they don't see me. They walk right behind me, in my footsteps, so they don't have to do the hard work. Kept safe from the cold snowflakes that cover us. Kept away from the occasional gusts of wind that make this so much harder. They are safe in their own little bubble, and I let them. Providing comfort and safety to those around me is what I do.

That is the thing that keeps me from being consumed by the snow.

Love.

The flashes of bright light haven't made their appearance in a while now. I don't need them to see the world. I can see it for what it is. I can see the light that I have to create myself. To work just that bit harder to stand up straighter and not be buried under the weight of the silent snow. The light is far in the distance, but I know not to give up. Not yet. The light is flickering, but it is there. Sometimes it looks like it's almost dying, but it's never gone. Always there. I have my goal, but I can't run towards it. Not yet. I have to save energy if I want to be able to get there safely. I don't know how much longer I still have to go or how many steps I still need to take in this white and silent darkness.

There are more shapes clinging to me now. Seeking me for warmth and safety. Holding me back as I try to step forward. If I leave, who will take care of them? If I stay, who will take care of me?

A warm hand laces its fingers through mine, and for the first time, I look up. It's still a faceless shadow, but it's there. Yanking me just one step forward, breaking the chains of worry. And then it stops. Just that one step. That one freeing step gives me space to take a breath. To feel the burden that I had been carrying around with me. And as we walk together, still in silence, the shapeless form gains feet. Legs. Arms that attach to a body. And a face. A mouth that is pulled into a small smile, one that warms up from the inside. Bright, white eyes, almost as white as the snow surrounding us. But these do not freeze over. These do not leave behind to whither and die. These care, genuinely care. And for the first time in forever, I don't mind being taken care of. I don't feel like a burden for even walking there and allowing his hand to warm me.

And for the first time, I smile back.

The flickering light slowly comes closer, and I recognize it for what it is. A burning fire. Shapes surrounding it, but each has its own place close to the warmth. Each just as warm as the one next to me. Each welcomed and welcoming to new souls stepping closer.

"We have been waiting for you," a voice says, and I turn towards the body, to the guide who brought me here. It is the first time I hear his voice, and it's like a warm summer breeze. Like soft, fuzzy cuddles and hot chocolate milk with whipped cream. Like all the good of the world poured into this gentle soul. He leans forward and places his warm lips on my icy cheek for just a second,

"I'm Zyggy, and you are home."

With those words, he steps away. But he isn't gone. He guided me here, and now it's up to me. I step forward to let myself be engulfed in the warmth of the fire, covered by hugs and love.

"Welcome to the Land of Ishness."