Anchor

Famous Monster

Trigger warning: 18+
Contains depression, thoughts of suicide

~~ 


"Oh my god, there she is! Jesse, over here!"

"Jesse, I love you!"

"Please sign my shirt!"

"I'm going to pass out!"

"Look over here, I'm here!"

"Jesse!"

"Will you marry me!"

The smile was plastered on my face, glad to have half my face hidden by my large sunglasses. I waved to the small crowd that had gathered outside of the building. Normally I would take the side entrances to go anywhere, but Hugo, my manager, wanted me to use the front door this time. On my way back to the hotel. He wanted me to be seen as I left the fundraiser. I was so tired. The sun slowly started to hide behind the tall buildings in the city.

My eyes wandered over the group of people, mostly young girls, dressed exactly like me. They wanted to be like me. If only they knew how lonely this life really was. Always surrounded by people, but nobody who saw me. My eyes caught a dark figure at the back, hidden in the shadows of a tree. These kids were early with their Halloween decorations. They always tried something to impress me. It took a lot to be enthusiastic about anything these days.

My bodyguard placed a hand on my lower back and guided me forward, through the crowd, to the waiting car. I waved at the crowd again and blew a couple of kisses here and there. They screamed even louder. I sat down gracefully in the car and let the bodyguard close the door behind me. Immediately I dropped my mask, relaxing the smile and looked down at my hands.

"You did well, Jess. You have the evening off. I suggest you rest, take a shower, watch a movie. Anything. Tomorrow we'll fly at 11, you have a meet and greet with a couple of fans before the gig. We must fly immediately after you're done, because of the morning show you're on. And then..." I lifted my hand to stop Hugo from his rambling. He was kind, but he didn't understand how stressful this was for me.

"I'm not sure how long I can go on like this, Hugo. I'm exhausted. I'm not as passionate about it as I used to be. I need to take some time off."

"You can't, Jesse. You agreed on this when you signed the contract. You knew what you were getting in to."

"No, I wasn't. You told me the basic information, the tasks. You never told me about the late nights, the early mornings, the rushing, the work outs that need to be done. The never-ending happiness I have to portray. The fact that I barely have any time to even call my mother, because we're always on the move." Unknowingly I had raised my voice. The exhaustion had made me irritable.

"Calm down, Jesse. I know you're tired, but don't yell at me. I'll see what I can do to get you some time off."

He really didn't understand. I stared outside the window, ignoring him as he took yet another phone call. I didn't know if I wanted to do this at all.

The hotel room was quiet. I was no longer impressed by the huge rooms, the fancy bedding and the luxurious bathrooms. The view was amazing, but I didn't care anymore. I dropped my bag and my coat on the floor as soon as I closed the door behind me. My shoes were kicked off my feet as I walked towards the window. With unseeing eyes, I stared outside, watching the sun slowly dip into the ocean, disappearing from view. The most vibrant hues colored the sky, but they could be grey tones for all I cared. I sighed. Maybe Hugo was right. A shower and some sleep would make me feel better.

It didn't. If anything, it made me feel worse. It made me think of home. When I sang my heart out in the shower and when my parents realized I could sing. The first singing classes. The love and admiration I got when I won the school talent show. I missed home. I missed just enjoying singing, doing it just for fun. I stepped out of the shower and quickly dried off. My warmest and most fluffy pajamas were hanging from the bathroom door. I slipped them on without bothering to put on underwear. Who cared anyways?