Welcome Back // Jerrie

8. 1 step and 3 steps back

While I was making my way to the rooftop bar I kept hoping Jade would be there on the balcony, looking over London. We always used to come here in the middle of the night after they closed and sneaked in. It wasn't as hard as you might think, since on the big balcony there was an emergency ladder which they never locked. We always climbed up there and enjoyed London at night while it was peacefully quiet and you could only hear the cars passing through London. 

We never got caught, which surprised me, but I was happy about it. It became my and Jades spot, away from everyone else. This balcony had a lot of beautiful memories. I used to come here after Jade and I broke up. I could never tell her that though. She would probably think I'm silly for holding on to a place like this since Jade never was the romantic type. But deep down I knew, and hoped, that she held onto this place as much as I did.

While climbing the ladder I remembered how exhausting it always was to come here. Once Jade even had to help me because my arms were so weak I really thought I was going to fall down. Jade cheered me on and helped me come up to the balcony once I was at the top of the ladder.

Jade always called this place our California Dreamin', because this was our safe place when everyone was against us and we connected the song by Sia which had the same name. In that song she sung about dreaming of a warm place, far away from the cold. Jade and I had a lot of enemies during our relationship and we always talked about moving away from here together to America since Jade knew I loved New York. Besides that, she wanted to try and become a singer on Broadway and so we began to plan and dreamed of traveling the world. Jade always fantasized about proposing to me in California by the beach with a zeppelin which would say 'Will you marry me?'. So much to not being a romantic. She only mentioned it once, but I never got it out of my head. She never meant to tell me that, I basically forced her to tell me because I was just that curious.

That was part of the reason why I wanted to move to New York and teach there. Maybe a little part of me hoped we would meet again there one day and make it right this time. I could never let her get out of my head, no matter how hard I tried.

But I wondered if a part of me was holding on because of our memories and our imaginary future. Because Jade was in fact the first and currently last person I could have imagine a future with. It was never an option for me to be with somebody else that wasn't her. But I was afraid that I was just dreaming and fantasizing. That Jade and I could never be like we used to be together. That I was just too naive to believe that we were meant to be and that what I was feeling was just a heartbreak in disguise.

When I arrived at the top of the ladder, I noticed someone startle and figured it was Jade as soon as I arrived on the balcony. She stood there, eyeing me. She probably didn't expect for me to find her here. Jade calmed down quickly and leaned against the balcony watching the streets of London. I made my way towards her and stood next to her, joining her enjoying the quiet and peaceful atmosphere.

"You found me.", Jade said quietly after a few minutes past.

"Of course I did. This was our place.", I answered. "To be completely honest, I wasn't sure if you'd be here, but I hoped you'd be."

Jade took a long breath and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry for leaving earlier. I didn't mean to, but I heard what Jesy said and figured I should probably get away before I ruin everything."

"You didn't ruin anything.", I reassured.

"You sure about that?" Jade finally locked eyes with me and just stared at me for awhile. "Pez, I already ruined it once. Calling you and asking you for help was selfish. I shouldn't have done that after what I put you through."