everything isn't just perfect / Tracy Beaker

9 / I love you

C a m

I stared at Tracy from the doorway and watched as she slept. I could see the tear streaks down her face which confirmed she had cried before she fell asleep. I sighed as I closed her door and walked back down the stairs then walked outside to sit on the front step. 

"Cam!" Mike touched my shoulder and then sat down next to me with a sigh as he saw the sadden look on my face. "She will be okay, it will just take time."

I shook my head then rested my head on my knees. "She really hates me.. I wasn't the one that walked away from her, Mike."

"Exactly." Mike agreed as he put his arm around me as tears fell down my face. "You are the one here that she can depend on and it's the reason she can lash out on you." 

I turned my head to look at him and he sighed slightly.

"You are the brickwall that she can take out her sadness, anger and frustrations on without ever losing you." 

T r a c y

"MUM!" I screamed out as my eyes opened and I felt alone as I saw the four blue walls of familiarity. This shouldn't be familiar. I got out of bed and could hear everyone was back from school which felt a bit weirdly comforting then I heard a soft knock at my door.

"Tracy, it's me." It was Crash and he decided to open the door slowly. "Okay, I know you are really pissed at me but please, please don't kick me out."

I sighed then sat back down on my bed and looked down away from his gaze. He walked further in then slowly sat down next to me and very gently grabbed my hand.

"Tracy, I couldn't focus at school not when my best friend is hurting." He whispered so gently as he stared at my hand that he was holding. "It isn't fair that she just walked away like that and it isn't fair how the adults in our life handled the whole situation. The whole thing just isn't fair to you."

I rolled my eyes and finally looked at him. He looked like he had been in tears too and looked like it was hurting him like it was hurting me. 

"If there is anything, anything I can do to help make this better.." Crash whispered then shook his head which made me know he understood that nothing can make this better unless my Mum walked right into my room.

"I need to get out of this house for a bit.." I whispered croakly with a sad smile and he nodded back. "I need to breath without them around because right now I feel so suffocated."

"I get that.." He whispered back as I rested my head on his shoulder with a shaky sigh. "I can ask Mike and Shelley if I can take you on a short walk before dinner." He stood up gently and held his hand out, I nodded and took his hand. He lead me downstairs and into the office where the three adults were sitting. They all looked a little shocked to see me standing there behind the protection of Crash and I looked down at my hands.

"Could I take Tracy on a short walk before dinner?" He confidentally asked and there was a short silence which I knew all the adults had shared a look.

"How short are we talking?" Shelley asked back as she tried to catch my eyes but I was holding strong on looking down at my hands. "I know you need some air, Tracy but we need you back in 20 minutes, okay?"

"I could come with-"

"No Cam!" Crash interrupted Cam as I looked up quickly at Cam who looked desperate to keep me in her view. "I mean, no, we will be okay. It's only 20 minutes isn't it?" Crash looked at me with a nod and looked back at Shelley who nodded.

"Please take your phone with you, Crash." Mike added and Crash showed his phone to Mike with a nod as I looked back down at my shoes. "Okay, 20 minutes start now."

-

Once we reached the footpath, I finally let out a big breath that I must of been holding since I came home from the hospital. "That was a big breath you were holding." Crash gently spoke as we held hands while we walked slowly down to the beach. 

"Yeah." I responded with a whisper and he smiled small. "Thanks Crash."

"It's no problem at all.."

We walked quietly until we reached a bench that was facing the waterside then we both sat down. "I didn't mean to get so angry with you, Crash." I looked at his face and he looked back with a smile.

"It's okay, I get it."

I nodded and looked back at the ocean with a sigh. "I was so relieved she came back into my life, I would always questioned whether she left me there because I wasn't good enough for her."

"I don't think-"

"She explained her reasoning to me." I interrupted him with a sad smile as I grabbed his hand to hold. "She was young, Crash. She had no clue on how to raise a baby and she did the best thing well.. The best thing she thought she could do."

He swallowed hard but nodded to acknowledge what I had to say.

"She really does love me." I whispered as a tear fell down my eye and I quickly wiped it. "Stupid hayfever." He laughed gently and I laughed a little.

C r a s h

I had my doubts that Tracy's biological mother actually did love Tracy. I knew the adults were hiding a whole lot from Tracy from when she got abandoned the first time because I heard them discussing it quietly in the office earlier. "I don't want to go back there." She whined gently as I focused my attention back onto her as she traced her bandaged with her finger. "I want to get out of this stupid system."

"We have it good though at the Dumping Ground." I whispered gently as I softly knudged her and she sighed. "You know where I came from.."

She nodded. "Sorry."

"No, you are good." I smiled at her and she looked away as she wiped her eyes. "We should go back or we will have to run back to make it back and I do not want to run."

I got a laugh from her as we both stood up and I noticed she was still wearing the necklace I gave her. "I love you." She whispered and my eyes widen. 

"I love you too." I took her hand and we quietly walked back to the Dumping Ground.

C a m

I watched from the window as Crash walked alongside Tracy with their hands holding. I knew Crash felt something for Tracy for a while as he would come to me to talk about her when Tracy wasn't around. I smiled to myself as I walked away from the window and sat back down at the table as the front door opened. They both walked in and I greeted them both with a smile.

"Dinner will be soon, was the walk good?" I asked gently and Tracy looked away as Crash nodded. 

"I think so!" Crash responded back then he looked at Tracy who was making it very clear she didn't want to be in the room right now. "Is it okay if we ate our dinner out in the backyard, it's just that she isn't ready to be with the whole group."

"Yeah, I am sure that will be fine." I nodded with that response and I looked at Tracy with a small smile. "I will grab you both plates and bring them outside when they are ready with your medicine."

No acknowledge from Tracy.

"Thanks Cam!" Crash responded instead then took Tracy back into the hallway and down the hall to the backyard. I sighed hard.

"I miss you, Tracy." I whispered under my breath as I looked down at my notebook with a sigh. "Please, please know how much I love you."

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