Can I Steal You For A Second? (Jensoo)

Episode 7

I barely slept that night. I stared up at the ceiling, only just visible in the darkness. I reached up to touch it a few times, to remind myself that it was still there, that I was still here, in my top bunk, not careening out of control.

Beneath me, Jisoo's breath was slow and even. If she was sleeping okay, after the day she'd had, I shouldn't be worried. Hadn't our conversation ended up being totally normal and fine?

I couldn't believe I'd said that to her. How had I let the phrases you could leave and I would go with you come out of my mouth?

Everything anyone had ever said to me about not thinking ahead collapsed in on me all at once. I turned over onto my stomach, pressing my face into my pillow. I wanted to scream into my hands, the way Jisoo had, but I wasn't brave enough. If I woke anyone up – if I woke Jisoo up...

I'd basically propositioned her. She either hadn't noticed or was pretending she hadn't noticed so I could save face, but that was what had happened. It was the worst idea in the world but I'd done it anyway. Because I never, ever thought.

The first fight I'd ever had with Jac had been about this. So when did you decide that you were going to run off with me? she'd asked.

We'd been in bed, her head resting on my shoulder. I was playing with her hair, tracing the line where the longer part of her hair met the buzz of her undercut. I don't know, I'd replied. I don't know that I did decide. It just happened.

She sat up. What do you mean, it just happened?

You blew me away, I said, sitting up too. You came up to me at that wedding and it was like my brain short-circuited.

You were with Mark for, what, two years?

Two and a bit, yeah.

And you left him, she said, grabbing for her glasses on the bedside table and putting them on, on impulse?

For you, I insisted, reaching out to her.

She shoved my hand away. You didn't even know me, she snarled. Is that really all it takes for you to fall for someone, Jennie? Someone to walk up to you and give you the tiniest bit of external validation? Then you're just 'no thoughts, head empty, it's you now, fuck everything else'?

Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, just like they had that day in bed with Jac.

She'd been right. She hadn't been kind, but she'd been right. Because here I was, doing exactly the same thing all over again. Jisoo had told me I was cool and interesting and fun to talk to, and how had I reacted?

No thoughts. Head empty. It's you now. Fuck everything else.

Fuck the fact I'm not over my ex. Fuck the fact that we're both here dating the same man. Fuck the fact that we're friends and you're straight. It's you now.

You know who thinks like that? Jac had said. Children.

I am not a child! I'd protested.

Then why do I feel like I've lured you into my van with a lollipop? she'd snapped. Seriously, Jennie, do you think at all about the consequences before you do things?

I bit down on my pillow. I am not a child, I recited to myself. I am not a child I am not a child I AM NOT A CHILD.

There was a rustle of bedcovers. I froze, terrified it was Jisoo.

But Jisoo's breath was still slow and even beneath me. I turned my head to the side slightly, just in time to see Lily's satin robe trailing behind her, briefly illuminated as she slipped quietly out the door.