Can I Steal You For A Second? (Jensoo)

Episode 15

I wanted to feel calm. I wanted to feel centred and steady and sure, secure in the knowledge that even though I'd made a horribly tough decision, it had been the right one. I wanted to feel proud that for once I'd stood up for myself, stood my ground, put my foot down and said, 'No more.'

I didn't. I regretted making the right choice every minute, every second, every jolt of the golf cart as a PA rocketed me back up to the Villa to get my stuff. What have you done? I screamed at myself. Why did you have to pick now to grow a spine?

'Make it quick,' the PA said. 'Jisoo K's in hair and make-up for her date, but we need to get you out of here before Kumiko comes back from her interview. They can't find out you're gone until tonight.'

I wondered if they'd bother staging a Necklace Ceremony. Where's Jennie? Kumiko would whisper to Jisoo.

I don't know, she'd whisper back.

The worry in her face would be genuine. The tears that she cried when Z came out and said something like, Juliets, as you can see, there are only two of you here. Jennie and Jisoo J had a long discussion earlier, and Jennie has made the decision to leave the Juliet Villa – those would be genuine too.

I was hurting her. Badly. I was under no illusions about that.

I was in love with her, and she was at least a little in love with me. You didn't say things like hey, let's have a secret relationship in private while I'm having a fake relationship in public, BTW I could get sued and lose everything if anyone found out to someone you didn't care about. A lot.

But just because I loved her and she probably loved me didn't mean this was good for me. I'd spent enough time waiting around, stuck with one foot in a fantasy world, because I wasn't brave enough to take a step forward in the real one.

If I did what she wanted, and had some dishonest secret half-relationship with her while she pretended to be with Romeo-Jisoo, I might as well shred my list of positive features and set those affirmation flashcards on fire. I might as well believe every cruel thing Jac had ever said about me. I would be stupid. I would be spineless. I would be a pretty face with no substance, a doormat that got walked all over, a child with no self-respect.

I shoved my clothes into my suitcase willy-nilly, trying to ignore the way they'd become intermingled with Jisoo's on the floor. The tears were falling freely down my face, but I let them. This hurts, Jennie, I told myself, but it's the right thing to do.

I packed the affirmation flashcards last of all. I thought about leaving them behind as a kind of goodbye, but – no. They were important. She was important. Even if us being together was bad for me, she'd given me one of the tools I'd used to put myself back together. I would always, always love her for that.

Of all people, I couldn't believe it was Mark – Mark! sweet, lovely Mark! – who had brought me to this realisation. If we'd been holding tight to each other, it wouldn't have been so easy for her to slip out of my grasp.

It had been so easy, to slip out of his grasp, to let him slip out of mine. But I'd been holding tight to Jac, and when she'd wrenched herself away, it had nearly destroyed me.

I knew myself. I was good at waiting. It would be so easy to wait for Jisoo. To cling to one of her hands with both of mine while her other one was in Romeo-Jisoo's. To hold tight to the idea of what we could be, and to not let go.

But even though I loved her, and she loved me, and we both wanted the situation to be different, I deserved someone who would hold tight to me. With both hands.

So I had to let go first.

'Are you ready?' the crew guy asked.

I took one last look around the bedroom that had once been ours.