Everlasting

The Fool Reversed

Dear Heart, you have everything at your fingertips, You need more trust in this universe. And remember, Where ever you go, there you are.

There was a tightness in my chest when I came to. It was the same nightmare from before, the one I felt like I could never escape. As I sit in my bed feeling the texture of my duvet cover with my fingertips, the alarm clock reads 2:59 AM.

Waking up right before 3 in the morning had already been a discomfort to me for a couple years. Some mornings I would wake with a dry throat gasping for air, But most mornings started the same; Waking drenched in sweat with a faint memory of a dream I had the night prior.

And it wasn't stopping.

Every once in a while I would get a flash, but nothing more. Trying to think harder about the dream would force no memory and leave my head pounding.

3:14 AM.

I still have a couple hours before the sun starts to creep through the trees and my window. But my mind is too restless to align with the thought of more sleep. Instead my mind becomes interrupted as a warm sweet smell trails into my room, circling the air. Within a minute I scooch to the edge of the bed, pull my silk robe on and start to follow the scent out of my room. I can hear faint music is playing while descending down the stairs. Dreams by Fleetwood Mac.

"Good morning Sweetie!" She greets me with a big smile, her glasses sitting on her nose. She's not surprised to see me up at this hour, in fact if I wasn't she probably would be.

Without hesitation I scan the kitchen counters around her. "Are you baking cookies again?" I stand with my arms crossed, keeping my robe from slipping open as it normally does.

She's quick to chuckle and then scrunches her nose "Good morning Granny, can I help you Granny??" She lets out another burst of laughter as I'm now starting to wear a crooked smile, looking to the floor.

She pulls the glasses from her nose, letting them now hang from her neck. From the looks of it, I can see that she'd already finished one set of cookies that sit on a cooling rack. The rest of the cookie batter remains sitting in a large bowl on the countertop by the sink. I don't see the 'special' recipe book anywhere in sight but I can still sense that she'd tampered with the dough. I choose to say nothing of the subject. I join her in the kitchen, pulling the silverware drawer open and picking a large spoon.

"Was it that dream again?" She asks quietly, while watching me close. She always asks this question, and I always have the same response. Pulling a second cooking sheet out from the drawer under the oven, I let out a short sigh.

"Yes, it was the same one again..." I can feel her eyes on me, even with my back turned. The nightmare is what had brought about this routine of ours. She'd be awake just early enough, waiting for when I'd come downstairs every morning. And if I hadn't left my room, she'd bake to see if she could draw me out with a scent. This was one of those cases.

"Did you happen to remember anything this time? The question lingered in the air for a moment, with nothing else filling the silence.

"No, I don't recall anything." I state very quickly. "I don't know why you feel the need to ask me...we almost have this conversation every night." My frustration in my voice as clear as day. Taking a piece of dough out of the bowl using the spoon, I start molding it into a ball in my hands. The chocolate chips still feel frozen to the touch, making me wonder how long she'd been up and how quick she was to whip up this batch. I place the ball onto the sheet and grab another piece to mold.

"I see." She starts, now trying to find other words to offer in conversation.

While I fill the cookie tray, we're accompanied by my childhood cat. Sebastien. He shuffles over to me with a glazed over expression, head butting my leg lovingly.

"Hi Bud." I smile down at the purring black void of fur. He rams his head into my leg again, brushing his side against me.

"He was sitting outside your door earlier before you were up." My grandmother states, a level of concern seemingly now present.

"He was most likely just wanting snuggles from me. Is the oven still on?" I finish filling the tray and then set it on top of the stove. My grandma moves over to the stove, pressing the buttons to get the oven back up to heat.

"Cats can sense things we can't. Haven't I raised you properly to know this?" Sebastien trails over to the couch sitting in the living room only a couple feet away from us. Disregarding her comment, I wash my hands and make my way over to the couch as well. The feline looks up to me, after having relaxed in a comfortable loaf position. I can't fight the urge, and pick him up, setting him on my lap as I lay into the couch. His fur is smooth to the touch, with small grey hairs scattered throughout his coat.

It's not long before the oven signals us to put the cookies in. My grandmother does so, and then sits on the opposite couch across from me after setting a timer.

"Should we do a reading tonight?" She suggests, while opening the arm of the couch where a small compartment stores cards. I can feel Sebastien purring loudly while scratching underneath his chin. I stay silent as she pulls out a deck of tarot cards without hesitation. I was starting to feel indifferent to the idea. I was tired of the same thing every night, but I also knew that she was just trying her best to help. I didn't want her to know that I started losing faith in what the cards were telling us. No one I'd ever known has been in the same position that I find myself in. We even had tried going to a doctor and they didn't find anything unusual after examining me. The best they could do was telling me to fix my sleep schedule after suggesting melatonin. But I was always going to sleep around 10.

"Violet." I'm pulled back to reality, not having realized that I'd zoned out. The tarot deck now sitting on the coffee table between us.

"Should we do a reading tonight?" She asks me again. I sit forward, holding Sebastien steadily while doing so to grab the deck of cards.

"Yeah we can do a reading. But I think I'll head up to my room after the cookies are done." I glance over to the timer. The timer in the kitchen now reading 7 minutes. Sliding the cards out of their box, I start shuffling them. I've never been great at shuffling cards, and with tarot cards being larger in comparison to playing cards, it doesn't make it easier for me. Half the deck falls to the ground mid shuffle, groaning I reach down to pick them up. Sebastien jumps from my lap, now sitting on the ground almost scowling at me.

I stare back at him, forcing the cards into each other. "What grumpy pants?"

"Don't worry about him, remember to focus on the energy you're instilling into the cards. Clear your mind Hun."

I relax my shoulders and let out a deep breath, I close my eyes and start envisioning what I'm trying to ask the Tarot. I keep shuffling the cards until my intuition tells me I don't need to anymore. Why am I still having these dreams? Why is it always around 3 in the morning? Why do I feel out of place.."

I place the deck onto the table and peel the top card off. The hanging man. I lay it onto the table. "Well that's not surprising at all." I state bluntly.

My grandmother sits up, reaches over and grabs the card inspecting it. "You do recall the meaning behind this card?" She inquires, testing my knowledge.

"It's telling me I'm feeling restricted. Out of sync in a way, but stuck none the less." My grandmother gives an approving nod. I pick the deck up again and start shuffling once more. But why am I stuck? A card flicks out of the deck and onto the floor face down, the timer now going off in the same moment simultaneously. My grandmother makes her way to shut off the oven and pull the cookies out. Turning the card over it shows The Fool upside down. What would also be considered as reversed. I shuffle the card back into the deck within an instant. But why? I can hear cookies being dispensed onto a plate, but the Tarot holds my attention the most. I keep shuffling. Another card falls to my feet. Death card. In a moment of silence I put the card back into the deck and set it onto the table.

"Did the cards tell you what you needed to hear Dear?" My grandmother smiles, holding the plate of cookies. I walk over to her, and take two from the plate.

"No, but it's alright. I think I'm going to head back upstairs now. Thank you for the cookies." I take a bite. The warmth of the chocolate provides me with subtle comfort after having delivered  a bitter lie. I can already sense a sleep spell at play from my first bite. I take another, hug her and climb the stairs back to my room. Within seconds after my head hitting the pillow, I start to drift into a sleep.