The Crow in the Dark

Wrapped Like a Present

Mori is pleased, he always is when Dazai is able to comply. So Dazai tries even harder to do as he's told.

When Dazai climbs onto Mori's lap, he can feel something press against his thigh.
He knows what it is but chooses to ignore it, things always seem to go better when he ignores what it is.
Though, that doesn't always make Mori happy.

Sometimes, the doctor wants Dazai to know exactly what he is doing and what he is feeling, forcing Dazai to see the reality of it.
Not that there's anything wrong with it, Dazai's been told it's normal so it has to be.

There's nobody to tell him otherwise.

Mori forces him to make eye contact, staring down at him with lustful eyes, licking his lips like he's a cat looking at a mouse caught in a trap.
Except Dazai had never tried to escape from the trap, he allowed it to tighten around his neck and was waiting for something to kill him.
But Mori wasn't a merciful cat, though Dazai felt like he had to be, compared to some of the people in the world.

No.
He was merciful.
He saved Dazai, so it was only natural for him to want something in return, and it could always have been something far worse, something Dazai feared more than hands gently brushing over his unbandaged skin.
He could have hurt Dazai, but he didn't, he had more use for his body.

"Why do you always seem so reluctant?" Mori asks, tightening his grip slightly, in a way that isn't too noticeable but still makes his intentions evident, "Do you not want this? I would never force you, Dazai. Though, it does hurt to know you aren't willing to do this small thing for me after I saved you."

Dazai feels his throat tighten, he doesn't want Mori thinking that he isn't grateful, or that he's unwilling. The response he gives is almost robotic, which he knows isn't what Mori wants, "I do want this. You've done so much for me and I want to repay you."

"But there's a difference," Mori pushes Dazai back against the desk and pins his arms together with one hand, the other still resting on Dazai's chin, "do you want this or are you making yourself do it for me?"

Dazai knows Mori doesn't want Dazai to force himself, doesn't want him to do it out of obligation. Though, Dazai can't tell what he does want.
He wishes he could give it to him but there's simply no way for Dazai to make himself enjoy it.
He must.
He allows Mori to slip in between his legs, pushing it against him.
He wants to throw up but he can't, and he prays that the feeling will go away on its own because he wants to enjoy it for Mori.
He has to.
That's all he knows he can do for the doctor.
He's listened to every single command, executed all his orders perfectly, besides this one.
He can kill as many people as he needs to but that doesn't mean anything if he can't find it in him to enjoy the one thing Mori wants him to enjoy.
And if he can't complete that, if he keeps upsetting Mori, then it's wrong for him to have been saved, and to still rely on the older man for things when he can't thank him properly.

"I – I want to do it…" Dazai sounds so quiet, it's an obvious lie, which is strange. He thought he got good at lying, "I swear I do…I just don't know how."

"You're nervous?" Mori smiles, for the first time in a while, which makes Dazai think he's doing something good.

"Yes." He agrees.

He just wants to feel more than useless.
Like he has a purpose, a role to fill.

"Why didn't you say so?" Mori whispers gently, moving his fingers down Dazai's body lightly, "I've always been willing to guide you, I just didn't know you were inexperienced."

Maybe that was why it had always felt so rough, in a way which Dazai never finds enjoyable.
Actually, he's always found it terrifying, the strength in Mori's arms, the violet gaze of his, it never made for a comfortable time for Dazai.
But he hadn't known, that was why he did it.
He would stop now.
Now he knew Dazai didn't understand.