Behind The Moon

First goodbye

As the days flew by, I began to realize how tough living alone was in certain ways. It was not the same as I had pictured it from the movies I watched throughout my youth. Questions and regrets began to plague my thoughts. Perhaps I didn't make the right decision this time.

What was wrong? Everything I planned was working so well until that day, when emptiness emerged from me. What if I chose the wrong place? This could be a blunder I made.
This island could be the perfect place to find your soulmates, or perhaps being in a relationship is not something familiar to me.

In all my childhood and adolescence, I have never been in a relationship before. I used to spend my entire after-school hours in the library. That was my source of enjoyment; it allowed me to be far from the noises and problems of my family. My childhood was neither perfect nor good; my parents ignored me, even though I was their only girl. They never stopped fighting and filling the house with their negativity.
Spending long hours in the library was the only thing that saved me from that feeling of emptiness. It was the same case until I arrived at college; I didn't really have friends, which was logical because I always enclosed myself with books. There were no concepts or energy I could send to humans to reach my vibrations.
Something was lacking in my life, and it was precisely this thing that I really desired to have.

I like to make plans, but these kinds of things do not arrive with plans; they just come from energy vibrations. Accepting to be loved is a key step toward receiving this love and meeting my soulmate. It's terrible when I think about how much time I wasted waiting for something I'd never have since I never attempted to get it. I know deep down that I'm attractive, but this fear rests on your life; it gave me agoraphobia, or the dread of being out and being in public areas. Not only this, but even the stares of people terrified me. I can't handle this. God help me.

Days passed, and every single day got worse for me, perhaps because I was living alone and finding myself lonely for the first time. I had never had this experience before of being in a house or a city where I knew no one but myself.

The thing that killed me the most was being incapable of creating any connection with people.
It was like watching me turn in a circle over and over again with no way to stop it. Sometimes I encouraged myself to go out and walk in front of the beach, but for me, going out during the day was not my thing. I avoided seeing people, so I preferred to get out in the night. After the sunset, in the darkness,.
Sometimes I found myself drinking a bottle of toxic drink on the top of the rocks and admiring the lights of the city from afar. It was so beautiful, to a terrifying point, because I was not part of that beautiful light. I was isolated.

I felt like somehow God created me to be part of nothing on this earth but something that had been created by mistake and would vanish for a moment.

That was the reality I believed in, and it was killing me. Who misses me among my family and supposedly friends?
No one, that was the explanation I gave myself; throughout my life, I had always avoided bad thoughts by occupying myself with activities such as reading, going to college, and helping my mother with home activities, but I had never encountered such lonely periods of living alone.

What killed me the most was the failure of my expectations. I had never expected that my trip would end like this, with this feeling of being miserable. I thought that changing places and people would help me improve and become more positive, but it seemed to be wrong; nothing can change the fact that I am dead inside.

When it was past midnight and I was still sitting on top of that rock, I lost my consciousness, I couldn't remember what happened exactly that night, all I remember is that I decided to climb the highest rock in that area and jump to the water, I felt deep inside of me that it was the only way out of the hell I was living in, even though one week ago I was dying to come to Morello and start a new life in this tiny island, Brazil was supposed to be the ideal place for my old spirit to rest, but this hope did not last long, it was simply said an illusion made by my brain to protect me from the dark reality I had lived in my hometown, the miserable life I had made me escape to the end of the world, I used to believe that traveling to another destination would help my mind settle down, help me forget about the pain I have come through life...