🖤His soul tainted by the devil 🖤was my angel call🤍 KIMCHAY AU 🤍

16. Moon and Earth 🌏🌙

Porchay was kind. Porchay was cute. Porchay had a good heart. Porchay had cute bangs. Porchay had a warm heart. Porchay had a good taste. Porchay had a soft heart. Porchay was caring. Porchay was adorable

Porchay was also clumsy. Porchay was talking a lot. Porchay was hard working but somehow too perfectionist. Porchay was tender but sometimes too much. Porchay could get angry but he wasn't violent. He could easily feel uncomfortable but he was clear, or he was avoiding a lot of things when there was too much pressure. He was also picking really strictly his food.

Porchay was a lot of good things. To be fair, Kim had a hard time to find some stains in his existence, he had like everyone, but Porchay had been his co-worker, his friend, his confident, he had been a precious soul in his own life and only the green side of Porchay was coming into his sight.

He had been and now, now Kim wasn't sure anymore. He had felt and heard his heart. He had seen himself moving closer to the boy. He might have done it, he might have but it was terrifying. So terrifying.

Kim didn't ask to face this part of this trauma now, not now that he had already fought a huge side. He would never be totally free, it was coming back from time to time, haunting his nights or his mood, but it was different to suddenly fall down and to witness another battlefield. He was tired too. And yet he felt like it was not avoidable. He had worked on himself for months, for so long he had suffered nights and days and tears and sobs, and it wasn't enough. It was still not enough and Kim had the violent but steady emotion that nothing would ever be okay, nothing. Trigger. It was existing for a reason and now his life was full of it and the more he was resisting them the stronger they were. He had no choices. And it killed him in a way. He felt so tired, his stomach was in shambles mostly vomiting and he woke up again after a nightmare.

It was yesterday and it already felt like a week. The intensity of his struggle was so hard for a first meeting with it. Kim managed. Kim didn't break totally at the end of the day. He could keep calm, calm but in a distanced traumatic state, but calm. It was as if what he had felt in that relationship was so close and so far away too. He had more control over it, but he couldn't erase it, he would never be able. He wasn't stable but not totally on the ground, he guessed it was better.

But when he needed to sit on the bed and to hug himself tightly, mostly suffocating he knew that he wasn't ready, or at least he didn't want anything, not love not now not this no...please.

He might love Porchay. He might feel something close to love, looking like love but it was such a stranger in him. Kim had forgotten a long time ago what love was about. He never really experienced it and then he experienced that and now he had no roots anymore towards love.

It looked pretty. So pretty. It was shining bright like a diamond. It was a good feeling. It looked good. From far away, in stories, in series, he made peace with the look of love but not with its taste.

He had been under poison. He had been under the worst side of it and he knew that the apple he got to eat wasn't love at all. He knew that it was only made of venom. He knew it all. But how to be sure that it would be love now that his brain got tricked one time. How could he know ? How could he ever be loved?

Loved.

Loved.

By family, by friends.

Loved.

Kim hugged himself even tighter.

How could someone love him?

He wasn't blinded by the trauma, he knew that he could be, or he guessed but he didn't feel it. He didn't feel that possibility at all. It was a dream and a dream becoming a nightmare when someone looking like being loved was happening to Kim. He was panicking. It couldn't be true. How could he be loved? And the words said, the emotions felt were just taking advantage of the situation to rot his mind and heart. And how could he believe ?