Vulnerable

Chapter 13

The days did the opposite of what I had wanted. They flew by in the blink of an eye, and before I could catch my breath, I was sitting in the back yard of Billie's house the night before her flight out of the country.

All of Billie's closest friends and family gathered around for the saddest party I'd ever been at. At least, the saddest I had ever been at a party.

Billie was also sulking next to me on the patio couch while the hum of everyone's conversations swirled around us, no one else seeming to be bothered that it felt like my world was ending in a matter of hours. I cringed at the people splashing around in the pool.

How could someone swim at a time like this?

I knew I was being dramatic, Billie and I could do long distance. I knew it in my bones, I just didn't want to. I wanted to touch her all the time, be in her presence, fall asleep next to her..I kept telling myself it was only two months, but my heart didn't care about logic right now.

I tried to focus on Billie who was still right here, her head on my shoulder and hands playing with my fingers.

"I'm sorry I'm in such a bad mood." I mumbled to her, kissing the top of her head. She shrugged, taking a deep breath as she slid a ring off of her hand and slipped it onto my index finger.

I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying. She brought my hand to her mouth and kissed her ring that was there now, "I'm in a bad mood too, it's okay. I get it."

I kept my chin resting on her head, memorizing the minty smell of her shampoo. There was a loud scream followed by a splash in the pool, we both flinched and looked over to watch the stupid happy people doing cannonballs.

I rolled my eyes and Billie squeezed my hand, standing up. "Come on." She mumbled under her breath, pulling me along with her.

I followed her into the quiet house and she led me to her bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I sat to face her crossing my legs over hers and reaching for her hands again.

The room was silent for a minute or two, muffled yells from outside bouncing against the windows. I watched her, ever focused on my hands, then her blue eyes looked up at me and I could tell she was trying not to cry.

"You sure you can't come with me?"

I sighed, hanging my head. It would be the easiest 'yes' I'd ever said, going with her, but I wasn't in a good place right now. I was avoiding my job like the plague just to hold myself together. Spending all of my spare time with Billie who was easily healing parts of me I hadn't been able to heal on my own, but I knew that there was work I needed to do on me.

"You know I want to, Bil." Her face crumpled at the same words I've said countless times in the last few days.

"I just...I need to figure my life out here first. Right now, I don't even know if I can go back to work and the thought of my career being over is-"

"I know." Billie interrupted, taking in a deep breath and rubbing her brow. "It's not fair of me to keep asking, I'm sorry...I want you to come, but I want you to figure this out more."

"I appreciate you so much."

Billie gave me a soft smile, but her eyes were still sad. She puckered her lips and blew out a puff of air, "Wanna talk about it now? Maybe we can figure it out before morning and then you can get on the airplane with me."

Both of us chuckled for the first time all night and I leaned back on the bed, resting on my hands with my legs still crossed over hers.

I glanced over my shoulder and found a spot on the wall to focus on, "I feel like I've spent my whole life feeling responsible for other people's well being and emotions." I paused, chewing on the inside of my cheek.