For Rachel

3

 "How are you feeling today, Miss Aretha?"

"Ok I guess."

Aretha jones was a Jamaican sixteen-year-old girl whose mom named her after the queen of soul, Aretha Franklin. Her parents divorced when she was 14 cause her dad was cheating on them, and her mom got a new boyfriend when she was 15. She just started coming to therapy this year, but only because her mom made her.

"What makes you say that?" Rachel asked.

"My birthday party is tomorrow. I know I should be excited but for some reason I feel upset."

Most days it was Rachel trying to get Aretha to open up a bit more and try to figure out why her mom felt the need to send her to therapy. But today was not like most days.

"Why do you feel that way?"

"I dunno if it's the realization that I'm getting older, or if it's the fact that maybe I'm ungrateful. Sometimes I feel selfish and that all my friends secretly hate me."

"Why?"

"Cause I hear the way my friends all talk shit about people who I thought they were close with. The way I sit there in silence and say nothing. Does that make me just as bad as them? For saying nothing." Aretha asked.

She didn't let Rachel respond, "I think it does."

Instead of interrupting Rachel sat in silence and let her talk. "But I don't want to be as bad as them. Because the reason they hate their friends is because they see them as competition in some sort of fucked up way I think."

"Her voice is too loud."

"Her clothes are too slutty."

"She's always trying so hard."

"Why is she always looking for guys' attention."

"God she's a slut." She said it all mockingly.

"Its all so annoying." She rolled her eyes.

"And I'll be honest, I've gossiped. And I'm not proud of it. But sometimes it can be so hard not to get sucked onto the never-ending gossip train. But I don't understand that, if you don't like someone, why not just tell them?"

"Why do you think they do that?" Rachel asked.

"It's because they're cowards."

Rachel hummed in thought.

"But who knows. In the end I'm probably never going to see any of them again after high school. And I doubt I'm going to live to my thirties."

Rachel scrunched her brows.

"Its just that nagging feeling that I'm going to die young you know? Like, when I see myself in the future, I see nothing. I don't see myself going to college. I don't see myself falling in love. I don't see myself having a family of my own. I just see nothing. Like a blank void where my life should be. And It makes me sad to think about, but it just feels like there is nothing I can do."

"That's why you're here with me hun." Rachel said.

"I'm not depressed or anything, I swear. I just feel like there is a timer hanging over my head that's running a little bit faster than everyone else's. And I swear, I try to see a future for myself, but I can't. I can see the rest of my friends' lives though."

"What do you see for them?" Rachel asked.

"Some of my friends I feel like will live wonderful lives. They'll meet someone they love, have a family, and happily grow old together. But for some of my friends, I don't see that same happy ending. Like, do you ever get that feeling when your friends with someone who is a really great person and is always happy, but you just know they are going to have a miserable adult life? I hate thinking it, but I just can't help it."