For Rachel

7

It had been three weeks since Malaya had taken her life.

And for the past three weeks, Rachel had cancelled all her appointments to take time for herself and take care of Bella.

But today she had to go in to collect mail and fill out paperwork she couldn't avoid.

She was currently sitting in traffic because there was a heavy downpour and, according to the radio, an accident had occurred.

While watching the rain run down her windows she was reminded of her mother.

Now usually Rachel tried not to think of her mom, mainly because her mom tried to not think of her. But as she was listening to the rain, she remembered her childhood. Simpler times when her mom would go out on the front porch to watch the rain and listen to the thunder, and Rachel would go out on the porch and join her. They would sit in silence, no words needing to be spoken.

Rachel missed that time with her parents. She wish things could've been different.

The rain started to clear up along with the traffic, and in less than ten minutes Rachel was pulling up to the building.

When she walked into her office there was an envelope sitting on her couch and in neat handwriting there was a "For Rachel" scribbled on the front with a Hershey kiss resting on top.

She picked the up envelope with trembling hands and tore it open, taking out the letter.

Rachel,

When you get this letter, you will probably already know what happened. You might hate me for what I've done but please just keep reading. As I am writing this letter, I am sitting in an office with my lawyer, I have decided that what's best for my daughter is that you take her. I know that's a lot to ask of someone I've known for such a short amount of time, and if it's too much then I have an old family friend who lives over in Michigan who could take care of her. Her father died when she was just a baby, and his family no longer wants anything to do with us. But getting to know you over these past couple weeks has made me feel like you are genuinely a good person with a good soul. And I know you are probably wondering why you have to be reading this in the first place, but my mom had a terminal illness that made her die a slow and painful death. And I had to sit and watch. When I consulted with my doctors, they told me that I wouldn't go through that. Well, it turns out they were wrong. And the disease is spreading quickly, enough to force me into taking action. I don't want my daughter to go through what I had to and then suffer from that feeling of hopelessness when I finally do die. And before you get mad at me, I have already gone to every affordable doctor that was willing to try and find a cure, but every one of them came up blank. So I hope you understand why I did what I did, and one day forgive me. And maybe we can meet again in another life, a life where we are infinite. Someone I loved once asked me to talk to the moon, so they could hear my voice whenever we could not reach. Now I can't help but wonder if the breeze and the whistles are their hopes telling me they're okay, telling me that I'll be okay. That sooner or later, we will reunite. Now I find writing and asking the same of you.

Rachel worried her lower lip as she stood in place unmoving. Her vision began to blur, and her chest constricted painfully making it hard for her to breathe.

She sat down on the couch as she felt her knees start to grow weak.

Rachel knew Malaya hadn't killed herself with any malicious intent. That just wasn't the kind of person she was. All she had wanted to know was why. Why had she not come to Rachel- her therapist for god sake- and talked about it.

But now as she held the answer in her hand, she didn't know what to feel.

She wanted to be angry.

Angry at Malaya for leaving her kid like that.

Angry that she had planned this all along.

Angry that she didn't even say goodbye.

Rachel folded up the letter, packed up some of her things, and said bye to her assistant and leaving the office.

She missed her patients. She had planned on coming back this week, but now, she was thinking she was going to have to wait to come back for another week.

On the drive home, the thought of how she was going to tell Bella all this was running through her mind. She didn't know what she would do if Bella came up to her one day and asked, "what happened to my mommy".

Cause you can't just be like," Sorry kid your mom killed herself and you're never going to see her again."

Rachel never had kids; she didn't know how to break this kind of news to one.

Rachel picked Bella up from Diana's apartment and drove them home. By the time she was pulling into her driveway, Bella was already fast asleep.

She unlocked and opened her door before going back to the car and carrying Bella inside, doing her best not to wake the sleeping beauty.

Garfield walked alongside them up the stairs and into the room Bella had been staying in. Since the little girl had first started living with Rachel, Garfield had been at Bella's side nonstop even going as far to cuddle with her in her bed.

It was hard for Rachel. To watch as Bella tried to put on a brave face despite being so young.

To watch as she tried to understand why her mom left her. 

~~~~

Plz don't hate me 

I'm just a girl