Tightrope

Chapter Nineteen

Tori pulled a heavy, metal door closed behind her and took her time searching for the light switch. She was twice as nervous as before, and it took her a moment, even after she flipped the lights on, to turn and face Jade in what appeared to be the broom closet. It was a surprise to see that she was staring back at her in very much the same frightened manner.

"I..." Neither of them seemed to know what to say, but they had to talk about it, so Tori tried to take the first step. "Do you..."

"I'm sorry." The fact that the first words out of Jade's mouth were an apology was remarkable in itself, but the genuine look on her face was even more surprising. She looked scared, like she was petrified at the thought of rejection. "I guess I should have talked to you about this a long time ago, but I didn't really know how, I guess. I, umm..." She glued her eyes to the floor, strangely intimidated by the eye contact Tori was trying to maintain. "In Santa Barbara...I didn't kiss you because I was drunk, I-I wanted to...and I guess I just...that freaked me out, so I ran, but I thought about it for a while after that and I figured it out, and...I just...I'm not...I don't know how to deal with my feelings very well, Tori. I haven't... Really, Beck is the only other person I've ever... Well, I'm just not like you. People don't exactly like me, for obvious reasons, so I just...don't know how to... I already knew that Beck liked me before I fell for him, and now, I just... God, it's the other way around here, I guess. I don't know this time and it's terrifying and I'm kind of hyperventilating right now. I don't like taking chances when it comes to stuff like this, but I can't just go on acting like I'm faking it, and I...don't want to freak you out, but I don't want to lie either. I hate feeling like this, but I..." She finally took an exasperated breath and looked up, at Tori's narrowed but expressionless eyes. "I wouldn't be telling you if I didn't think that you felt the same way."

Tori didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything, and that prompted Jade to start getting angry. She looked much less helpless now, clawing her hair back as her face turned red in the warm closet.

"I know that you feel the same way, you- you have to. The way that you look at me, and the...the... You can't just not feel what I feel. You have to..." Her chest was heaving, she was breathing too heavily for the stuffy room. "Tori, say something before I pass out, please."

"I..." Tori flung her hands in the air in confusion, and admitted to what Jade was accusing her of rather quickly and easily. "Yeah, I do feel that way, that's not exactly...that's not new, but... What are you expecting me to do about it? Date you for real? I can't do that. You're...you. You're mean, and you're deeply disturbed, and you're unreasonably jealous, and you're my friend's ex-girlfriend, I can't-"

"Your friend? Really? When's the last time you actually spoke to him?" Jade only paused for a second, her angry eyes boring holes in Tori's forehead. "Besides, that rule doesn't even apply to guys, and you're a little too late to be worrying about it! Guys don't care about the ex rule. He obviously doesn't."

"That's not the point, I just...I would feel...Jade, I know that being with you only means pain for me. For us both, really. I don't blame you for that. That's just who you are... I think you're talented, and funny, and smart, and beautiful, but I can't be with you. I'm sorry, Jade... I want to love you but I can't do that to myself."

Jade's lips slowly came together, and her nostrils flared. She was just barely holding back tears, and Tori couldn't quite tell if she looked so angry because she'd been rejected, or because she wasn't in control of even herself.

"Okay." She whispered, pushing Tori aside so she could exit the closet, though she obviously had no idea what to do after that. Out in the hall, she froze, as the real world moved around her once again. Tori came out right behind her and sympathetically placed her hand on Jade's left shoulder.