what i write, is my mood.

ugly crier

"You'll be okay, just take one deep breath at a time." As I glanced beside them. Only if they knew how heavy the pain that caused me to be in this state. And how empty I am right now.

"I'll try.", I sipped my drink watching them giving me fake smiles, fake soothing, and a fake sincerity how worried they are. I just wanted to enjoy my own company until I get home. They're like an ocean and I am a person who had thalassophobia not knowing if I can swim up to the surface or just let them drown me into their depths of insincerity.

I just couldn't grasp the truth about people can manage to give other people a forgery and how they be able to handle it without such suspiciousness. Rolling my eyes unnoticed, I excused myself and went into bathroom to release some. As I stepped out in the cubicle I stared myself at the mirror and saw the horror. Dark circles under my eyes, chapped pale lips, uneven skin, and some pimples spotted around my face. Well, I guess make up doesn't work the way it was if you're not passionate about it, I blew out a breath and start retouching. While concentrating how to tamper the horror on my face, I couldn't help my subconscious mind to talk inside how awful I was in front of my so-called 'friends' and how I can't voice out and defend myself that they're wrong about depression was just a made up by delusions and paranoia. What kind of fuckery environment they grew up on? Didn't they experienced it? Or just avoiding the fact that they're in a worse state as mine?

I finished myself up and left the bathroom. As I went back into our table and find them whispering something that I can clearly hear them talking about me; ending up admitted in a mental institution furthermore getting diagnosed with psychotic depression, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and selective mutism, and how I disconnect from them after I got myself admitted in creepy shit asylum, well they thought it was a fucking misery getting end up there. They got that from someone mistakenly and I felt sorry for them.

I cleared my throat and saw them flinched like they got stung from something, as I laughed inside about it, I sat beside them, "so what's the topic?", I asked and they shrugged "ah, it's nothing. Just some school stuff.", pfft, as pigs can fly. Well I'm sorry if I rain on your parade talking shit about me. I act like I just don't give a damn about it and continue listening to their made up topic now that I'm here. As many hour had passed, it was already dark outside and deciding to end the fun and giving bid goodbyes as we separate ways on our way home.

When I got home, I prepared myself a bath and take a quick check on my socials since this is my first time again entering myself in world full of unhinged people along with their anonymous agenda to turn down some by just tipping their keyboards with their blank face staring at the monitor. This is the reason I don't engage myself in these environment and how I also became a retard antisocial woman with zero integrity. I sighed and close my laptop and started the routine that I usually do ever since I got discharged from the facility. 

As I was making the dinner for myself, another thought comes into mind. Lingering the presence of desolation. A part of me wanted to be gone for good, and the other wanted to witness the misery until my last breath. Unnoticed, I was preparing the dinner as I stared at nothing ending up eating my dinner in a foul taste. Just how fucked up my whole day was.