Betrayal

The Psycho Returns

The morning before today, my dissociation got ten times worse for no reason. I have depersonalization derealization disorder. This means that I'm very disconnected from my body and the world around me. It feels like I'm dreaming most of the time, which I know some people think is cool, but in reality, it's a nightmare. My whole body is always numb and my perception of time is very disoriented. Most of the time, in the moment, time seems very slow, but after a while, it feels like the time went by really quick. I'm aware most of what I'm saying doesn't make much sense, but I do my best and it's one of those things that you have to experience to understand, you can't make sense of it with words. When I was younger, I either thought that disassociating was normal and I was just overreacting or I was just crazy. Sometimes it would be so bad that I went up to my room and cried for a while.

I started to get dressed in my room at about seven in the morning. When I got dressed, I put on pastel colors of a blue and green shirt, pink socks, purple shoes, a yellow skirt and a red bow. Most of the time, I have my hair in two long braids, which is exactly what I did today. I ate an apple before I headed out the door to get to the school bus. The bus was very crowded because we go had to pick up another school bus's children, so it was very crammed. When I got off the school bus, I went into the side door that led to the auditorium. Students in seventh and eighth grade usually stay there for about five minutes before we go to our classes. Since two of my friends are going to All-City too, Eva and Maria, and I know that Eva is in the same grade as me, we went down to the main office. 19 told us to wait there until the bus comes, which I know could be hours. I actually knew the chaperone on our bus because I'm friends with two of her students from summer camp.

After a while, Maria came down and we all chatted for a bit before the bus arrived. The bus was supposed to come at nine thirty and actually came at only a few minutes after that, which surprised me considering it was the first day. At first, when we got on the bus to go to the other school for rehearsals, our chaperone was confused because the fifth grader they were supposed to pick up after our school, was already on the bus, but we went along with it and headed to the school for the rehearsals. This year, the school is actually pretty far from our acual school, so the five of us talked about how we think the day would go. When we got to the building, I immediately got anxious from the amount of stairs I'd have to climb, since my disorder makes my body numb, it's very difficult to walk up and down stairs. However, it turned out not to be that big of an issue because every time I took a step, I would see where my foot goes and put it on the following step.

When we got inside the building, it looked very big and fancy, like some kind of rich church. Some security guards checked our bags. Before I left the house this morning, I put Niko in my bag as always, to keep me protected, but magical creatures are forbidden now, so I whispered for him to get out of the bag. While he unzipped my bag just enough so that he could get out, I hid my hand behind my back for him to land on my fingers. I pulled out my scalpel from my right pocket and stabbed Niko through the heart and he instantly turning into ashes, which is quickly put into my left pocket. It takes a few minutes for Niko to come back to life, just enough time for the search to be over. They searched my bag and coat and found nothing that they had to confiscate. We finally got to the auditorium where we put our bags and cases down for the day. I practically ran over to a random seat in the middle section and scattered the ashes in my bag. Other teachers and students were coming in one by one as we got out our instruments from our case, which was difficult for me considering how big my instrument is in a small place. I somehow managed to make it work and a few moments later, one of the teachers gave us a few announcements about how things would work and then told us where to go.

There was two doors to the band room, one for the woodwinds and one for the brass. At first, the place looked familiar somehow, with all the tiers and chairs and stands being arranged in a certain way. I was told to sit at the far right of the fourth row. People were still coming in because on the first day, the buses are always really late. After a good twenty minutes to a half hour later, our conductor signaled for us to be quiet and that we were about to begin the rehearsal. At this point, I started to get a little worried because I knew that there was supposed to be another horn player and 19 wasn't there yet. I think because I was stressing out about it so much, I started to dissociate worse. After a while, 19 came, but the other horn player never did. It's very dangerous to be in a group of a lot of people in one room, we'll never know when someone will strike. In school and various music programs she sees me in, 19 always points out me anxiety and she might not know it, but she actually helps a lot with it. I like being around the danger now, it makes me peaceful and I like to live on the edge. In the middle of the second piece we rehearsed, 19 commented that I was doing one of my anxiety habits, shaking my leg, so I immediately stopped it. A few moments later, she said that she was going to help some other students. After we went onto the next piece, I spaced out for a minute, so she asked if I was okay and I nodded. My dissociation effects me so much sometimes that I can only space out and try to figure out if everything's real or not. Near lunch time, at around eleven forty five, 19 asked me to come over and sit next to her and the students she was working with, so it would be easier. After that, we headed back to the auditorium for lunch.

I don't really think many people actually knew what to do, so we just followed the people who did. It turns out that lunch this year is in the auditorium, so we just sat with the people on our bus and ate. I didn't eat though, eating makes me feel sick when my anxiety is bad. When people weren't looking, I unzipped my bag and saw that Niko came back, so I told him to stay quiet. Almost as soon as I zipped up my bag again, I saw a mask with a dragon's eyes on it at the bottom of my feet. I flipped the mask over to see the inside of it, but there was nothing there. Most of the time when there's nothing, that's usually the biggest secret, which can be solved with a blacklight. I always carry mine around, so I took it out and turned it on. The inside of the mask had River's name on it. I decided to put it in my bag and keep it. While all of this was going on, I saw Mia and her friend talking to 19. A few minutes after they got back, I went over to chat with them, which apparently wasn't much time at all. Almost as soon as I got over to them, they called us back to go back to our classes.

When we got back to the band room, I felt more comfortable now that everything was settling down. My dissociation was still really bad and I still spaced out quite a lot. Finally, 19 asked me what was wrong and I told her that my dissociation was really bad. She asked me what I normally do when this happened and I said, "nothing" because I usually can't do anything to help it. I've tried grounding techniques and tried to feel things with really distinct textures like a stuffed animal or a blanket, but my body was so numb and I was so disconnected from it that I physically couldn't feel anything, no matter what. This went on for pretty much the rest of the rehearsal and it affected me a lot mentally and physically. Even though this really used to upset me because it would just happen randomly, now that it's almost all of the time, I've gotten used to it and I've been able to function a lot better compared to a few years or even a few months ago.

At the end of rehearsal, at about twelve forty five, we all went back to the auditorium to get our things packed up, so that we could get on the bus. I quickly checked my bag for Niko and the mask I found, but the mask was missing. While Maria was trying to find 19 because she borrowed a clarinet that she wanted to return, I was looking everywhere for the mask, but neither of us found anyone or anything. I started to get a little panicked, but I walked down the stairs of the building the best I could and got on the bus. All of us talked for a while on the bus again, until the bus reached our school and then we got off. I went about the rest of my school day as usual, wondering what could've happened to the mask. When I got home, I ran up to my bedroom and started to cry, but then I saw that the mask was on my bed. This completely puzzled me, it couldn't have just teleported and Niko can't fly in public, he would get caught in an instant. I took out my blacklight and shined it on the inside of the mask, it was the same exact one, with River's name written inside it. This started to scare me a bit, and I looked around at the mask, worried and scared. I heard my alarm going off and I screamed, but then, I woke up. It was all a dream, I thought, this was until I found the mask on my bedside table, I checked again and her name was still on it. Since I thought this was too weird to be true, I pinched myself and even while being dissociated, I felt it, this was no dream.