The Way I Loved You

Chapter One

     
      INTERACIAL couples suffer a lot, and their kids also suffer the same fate as their parents, sometimes it is tougher for them because they owe allegiance to two different ethnicities that want absolutely nothing to do with them. You are either this or that, and you cannot be both. That was what was happening. I was experiencing the consequences of an Asian woman marrying a white man, and I can never blame my parents.

All they ever did was love each other, even though they knew society would never completely accept their marriage. My mother's mom, who I referred to as Halmeoni, did not accept their marriage, so she cut ties with her, the moment she chose to tie the knot with my dad. My mom's father, Harabeoji, was dead at the time, so all they needed to go on with their marriage was my Halmeoni's blessing which she never gave, and they had no other choice than to wed each other with my dad's parents' support.

I knew even before I told them, that they had thought of the endless possibilities that could have happened if they never married, and let their love die the same way it began. They would not have to be criticized and would have had the community's support. My mother would have been part of the celebrations they held back in her family house in Korea, and would not have to hear any more whispers about her marriage and how it could never last.

I would not have happened and all that I was going through would never have occurred because I would not have been alive. I would not have been born to two lovely parents who would set the whole world ablaze just so that their daughter would be happy and would not have to suffer anything. I would not have met Jen, or you, we would not have been best friends.

I hated that. I loved how everything turned out, except the bullying part. I loved how my parents shunned the whole world and continued to love each other despite the criticisms all the time. The truth was that life did change drastically, and it all mattered how you looked at it.

My grandmother had decided she wanted nothing to do with my mother and abandoned her with no family to fall back on when things were not looking okay, and she needed them to comfort her or hear their voices again since they were a million miles apart. Despite that hurdle, her siblings still maintained contact with her, which made her feel like she was at home once again, and in their rambunctious presence.

Their conversations with her were always about her white husband like he was not even human. I understood their reasoning for thinking that way, because of how he was foreign to them, and they were not aware of how that same white man was imperfect at some things and at the same time faultless at other things. My parents also had me out of their controversial marriage, and I became the product of their love.

I know that while the storm was overtaken by sunny skies and golden sun, there were still going to be dark clouds looming ahead. It did not change the fact that I was being bullied and this was what could break them.

I could not stand to watch them crumble all because of me. As a little kid, I feared that I might be one to cause them to separate, and I did not want that to happen. I had witnessed a child in my grade crying uncontrollably because her parents were separating and I thought of myself as that little girl sobbing with tears and snot all over her face because my two favorite people in the world were divorcing one another all because of me.

I could not let that happen, so I decided to stop telling them what the other kids did to me at school and acted like everything was okay. I talked them out of involving the school principal, and always made sure my face was scrubbed off of any saltwater and looked okay. I made sure to always have a smile on my face whenever I was at home.

I did all I could do to impress them and give them reasons to continue to stay. I got good grades, never threw any tantrums, started going to bed early, and made sure when I had the chance, I would beg them to read me a story together, so they to have no choice but to be in the same space together, even though I was well aware they would have enough together when I finally slept, but I was a kid who wanted to do all she can to keep them together and not apart.