The Way I Loved You

Chapter Three

I COULDN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

My brain was muddled with thoughts about you—what you said earlier—and I wish I could not care about it and not feel like crying, and live my life steer clear of you, but I cared and I wanted to cry until I could not any longer, and you filled up my mind, I rarely thought of anything that didn't involve you, so how could I live my life without you, when you were in it twenty-four-seven.

I felt so choked up in my chest, it felt like I was losing air and I could die. I managed to get myself together and attended English class, even though I barely heard one thing that was said, as all I did was think about you.

You were not that far away from me, as you were at the front standing right in the middle of the classroom, while I took up the first seat of the first row. Your eyes were trained on your copy of Othello, as you read out your lines, as requested by Mr McNornman.

It was hard for me not to think of anything that was not you since you were the only one talking and your voice filled every inch of my head, and recently you had made it clear that we were done, and nothing could change what had happened.

You sounded so sure of yourself, that in that moment, I felt lonely. It felt like I was the only one still stuck in that memory of us, and you were not. Didn't they mean anything to you like they did to me? I wondered because it was what I thought of every day. Since that cold winter night, you renounced our friendship, I only found comfort in our past.

We were so carefree and completely clueless about what could happen in a few days...months, even years, and I know if someone had told us this was what would have happened in the future, we probably would not have cared, because we were too busy being happy.

Now in the classroom, I couldn't do anything other than stare at you. God, you were so beautiful. The sun-ray had cast on you, from the window, and brightened your entire appearance.

Your skin sparkled underneath the sunlight and also revealed patches of sunburn that had marked your fair skin. I assumed it was from playing football, as that has been your center of focus lately, and it has always been like that — prioritizing football — it's just that now you practiced so much. Although, you still looked perfect. It was incredible how you always do. The yellow light dusted over your appearance, making your hair look almost blond, as well as your clothes, which were flannel and a t-shirt paired with jeans, which precisely suited your body.

The veins in your hands showed as you gripped the corners of the book, while your face was completely scrubbed of any emotion. It was hard to justify what you were thinking inside your head because all that repeatedly played in my mind was our conversation from earlier.

I have found yet another memory to obsess over and dissect every word that was said while thinking, maybe it did not exactly sound the way I thought it did. I was so delusional, but I became that when I lost my friendship with you, and all I did was think of ways you would forgive me and come back to me.

Now, today has proved how far that wish will ever be, because Ashton, you have completely made it clear that you wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I have become nothing but a figment of the past to you, and if I truly adored myself and my self-worth, it was to stop chasing you.

I needed to move on from our dear memories and continue with my life, that was a huge contrast with what my life used to look like, many years back. It suddenly felt like the time when I did not know you, and I used to be all alone.

English class became nothing but the past quickly, as I found myself in my Calculus class, waiting for the teacher to come around. Everyone around me seemed to be in a happy mood, as they were all transfixed in a conversation, and their facial expressions captured what they were saying so that even though I could not hear them, I could give an explanation of what they were saying.