The Dying Light

1

"We re-wrote that song back in summer, Noah, my ex-girlfriend and I just for fun. Turns out that it was better than what we expected so we decided to release it"

Calling her my ex-girlfriend was something new. It slipped out of my mouth with such easiness that no one would have guessed that I rehearsed my line before coming in for the interview. I knew that fans were already going full conspiracy theory like since she has gone from my girlfriend to best mate, to a complete stranger.

Fans were aware of this situation somehow. We broke up on good terms anyway, kept each other pictures on social media and kept being around each other, supporting the other with whatever we needed. It all changed when I saw her hand in hand with that lad.

I still cannot get my head around what changed since that moment, really, seeing that I was the one distancing myself from her. My mam says that I'm a fool, and the same thing goes for Liam. But I knew that I could not be around her, knowing that she was seeing someone else and that there was no chance of ever sharing a kiss with her.

Just as I thought, I checked Twitter right after the interview and fans already had their own theories. I lit myself a cigarette and stood still, chuckling and some tweets while shaking my head. It was scary how some of them got every single fact right, dates included.

I looked up while taking a puff. It was cloudy, as per usual, but it hadn't rained in almost two days which was a record for Northern England. My mind slipped back to the day of our first kiss, when she grabbed me by my shirt, pulling me closer to her. She then took the cigarette off my mouth and stood on the tip of her toes to steal the most innocent kiss from me. I slightly smiled at the memory, knowing that she was long gone and making herself a new life somewhere else with her new man.

The walk back home was filled with silence and a few lyrics coming back and forth in my head. I had gone on a sort of unannounced hiatus in my career and social media. Partly because I couldn't find anything worthy to write about or post. I had this voice in my head saying: "Nobody wants to hear another song about how much you hate yourself". And she wasn't there anymore to tell me otherwise.

Maybe it is a good moment to actually talk about her, isn't it? Her name is Emily. We met quite a few years ago as she was friends with Dean and she tagged along one of our pub nights. Ever since we simply became attached to the hip. There was something about her greyish eyes and her dyed hair that was hypnotising. And I loved it even more when her black hair colour started showing through her roots, and she would spend quite a few minutes in the morning deciding if she was going to dye it again, which she always ended up doing.

The worst part of everything tho, was the feeling I still had every single time I opened my house's door. I used to come home to her dancing in her knee socks, which she claimed that she got because I was going to find them sexy. Of course, I kept telling her that I hated them even if I went crazy every single time she wore them.


Halfway through my cigarette, I stopped to check a post-it that I had stuck in the fridge's door.

"You have leftovers in the freezer. Don't become a stranger to me or your brother. Love, Mam" I smiled sweetly at my mum's gesture. She was the only one who actually got what I was going through, or at least she was the one not complaining about it. It had been nine months since the breakup, and five since I decided to 'ghost her' and everyone kept on pushing me to be my old self again. My mum, on the other hand, was alright with me not showing up to family dinners and forgetting to call back.

I turned around and I tripped with the single object I kept from her. I mean, it was strictly not from her as it was a bowl of water for the dog. Dog which she wanted to adopt and I had no other choice but to accept since I was more than smitten with her. Of course, she chose the old grumpy handbag size dog that had been in the shelter for months, which resulted in sharing my house and personal space with an overweight chihuahua who had white hair and hid under the bed every single time I tried to put his harness on.

Anyway, our relationship was kept 'secret' for actually a while. It's not like we kept it secret, it's more like the press was more interested in other things such as another mess that the monarchy had got into. Nevertheless, fans quickly began to notice a few details here and there and it sort of became common knowledge that I was with Emily Collins, one of the "best new artists" in the British music industry (or that's what her Brit award claimed). It all became clear the moment we decided to show up together at the Brit Awards. I mean, we both didn't care and we were in that honeymoon phase where you just feel like sticking around your other half for as long as you can.

Now that I think about it, maybe having such a public relationship involving me during the Seventeen Going Under Era and Emily during her Feral Girl Era was not the best combination. Suddenly it was like everyone was interested in every single thing we did, said and posted on our social media. Needless to say, the entire crowd went insane when I featured her in the Seventeen Going Under acoustic video.

You may be asking yourself, why did it end? Well, good question, actually. I don't have a clear answer. It sort of felt like we were stuck and we were going nowhere so it felt almost natural to call things off. Maybe the fact that I was reluctant to the idea of marriage had something to do as well. We broke up on really good terms, which was something, as we still met daily and would have sleepovers and head to the studio together so our routine didn't change much. We still kept every photo of us on Instagram and all the things that fans look at for the confirmation of a breakup.

How did I find out about her new relationship, then? My mates saw her at a club in a really friendly mood with some other lad. Yeah, that might have been the alcohol but then, my mum heard one of her friends talking about Emily and that boy being a thing. I just couldn't take it. The moment I saw them holding hands while walking down the street she used to live in, my heart simply broke into tiny pieces. But that's it, aye? She's not coming back into my life and I had to learn how to live with it.

Even if I had leftovers in the freezer, I decided that it was actually time to visit my mum since I knew that my brother would be around as well.

"Hey love" My mum said in the sweetest tone as she opened the door. "I thought you were not going to come" I shrugged, with my hands deep in the pockets of my jacket.

"I needed some fresh air, I guess" My mum stepped aside and let me in. I took my chance to go to her fridge and get myself a beer before heading into the living room, where my brother was watching a football game.

"Hey, Sammy" My brother greeted me as I sat down next to him.

"How are you doing? You alright?" I asked him, taking a sip of my beer.

"Not bad myself, what about you? " My brother glanced at me. I didn't dare to even look at him as the fear of breaking in front of my family was overwhelming.

"I'm alright, yeah" I answered.

We watched the game in silence until our mother called us to have dinner. I was playing with my food, moving it around the plate with my fork, unable to taste a bite of it.

"Sam" I looked up to meet my brother's eyes. "The lads and I are going out this Friday. I thought that you would want to come" I sighed. He was doing it again.

"I think I'm going to pass" I looked down at my plate again.

"Come on, you need to get back on track again, man. It's been a year and you're still crying around the corners" I raised my eyebrows, trying to look for answers that wouldn't start a fight since my mother was there.

"It's only been nine months" Was my only answer.

"And she's been with that lad, Matthew, for half of them" My mum sent him a look. "All I'm saying is that it's time to man up. Go make music again and get out there, meet new people" I looked at him again.

"I said that I'm going to pass" I replied with a harsh tone.

"Boys" My mother warned, aware of what was about to come.

"Man, you're a coward. All because you were not grown up enough to tie the knot" I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes while taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry" I opened my eyes again. "I'm not the one getting close to my forties and single, coming every single Friday to assault my mum's fridge" I stood up and started gathering the few things I had scattered around my mum's house in the hour I had been there.

"Liam, how many times have I told you not to bring this up?" My mother hissed in the living room.

"It's time for him to grow up, mum. You cannot protect him forever" Liam replied.

"You know Sam never had it easier to believe in marriage since your dad and I got divorced"

And that was the last thing I needed to hear. I stormed out of my mother's house without looking back and had nowhere to go as I was avoiding the Lowlight, as there was a big chance that she was going to be there.