Matilda || H.S.

19

<<Aunt Sara, how do you know if a boy is your boyfriend?>>

The question of my 4 years old niece froze us in silence, my husband almost chocking himself with the water he was drinking.

We looked at eachother, shock on his face probably due to the fact that such questions were coming out of a tiny little thing and certainly already planning to find out who said boy was - I could already see him, threatening a 4-year-old boy.

<<Is there a boy you like?>> I asked, while my husband decided to go sit with our 2yearold daughter on the floor, probably to manipulate her into  having the same conversation when she would be 30.

<<Yes, I think so. >> she answered, the pointing finger on her chin deep in thought.

<<You think so? Let's see. Do you feel butterflies in your tummy when you're with him?>> I asked, to which she nodded.

<<What's his name?>> and at that point a smile crossed her face while she said/yelled <<Brandon!>> ah, yes. I remeber him, cute kid.

<<Did Brandon ask you to be his girlfriend?>> I asked and she nodded, while I saw my husband's head popping up in full attention.

<<And did you said yes?>> and she nodded.

<<Well, I guess that makes him your boyfriend, sweetheart>> I declared,  while the drama queen that was my husband stood up form where he was with a loud and clear <<Who's this Brandon guy? I don’t like him already>> to which I rolled my eyes.

<<I think your uncle needs a hug from you>> I whispered to the little girl in front of me, who run in the arms of her overprotective uncle.

<<You’re not supposed to grow up until I'm old>> he said, while sqeezing her as hard as he could as if doing so would prevent time to happen.

<<Did you ask aunt Sara to be your girlfriend too?>> she asked when she could finally detangeled herself from his arms.

He just nodded, while locking his eyes with mine.

<<And you said yes?>> the little, smart girl asked me, to which I nodded, not really wanting to tell a 4 yearold that that didn't exactly happen.

<<So you are his boyfriend>> she said, pointing at him <<and she is your girlfriend >> she concluded pointing at me.

<<We were. Now she is my wife and I'm her husband>> he clarified, just for her to throw another jab at his already broken heart for her previous announcement <<And how I become a wife?>>

I've never seen his eyes go that wide. <<When you're old, and grey, and wrinkeled, you can ask me this question again>>.
And with that, she just shrugged her shoulders, loosing interest on the topic and going play with her cousin.

<<How did she grow so fast? I mean, aren't these conversations supposed  to happen in 10 years?>> he asked, while leaning of the kitchen counter next to me.

I laughed at his drama over his niece's innocent questions.

<<They're just kids babe. We've all been there>> I said and he growled, shaking his head.

<<Yes, but still. I'm not ready. And I don't even want to think when it'll be Mia asking those questions. I think I might have a stroke when that will happen>> and again, my husband the dramatic in full force. I just shook my head, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to make him drop the topic.

Then the mood totally change when he wrappend his harms around my waist, asking me lowly <<Aunt Sara, did you felt butterflies in your tummy when you're with me?>>

Ah, yes. Those damn butterflies.
I think when it comes to us, they've always been there. We were just to blind to see them.

Our story was certainly one to tell. We've been friends for years before actually starting dating  acknoledging the connection that had always been there.

But even for that to finally happen, it took us time.

I don't know when I started loving him.

I didn't plan it. I certainly didn't want to fall.

But somehow, we always gravitated in eachoters' lives.

Flashback

<<What the hell happened in there?>> Stella asked, conecerned, when I made it back to the car.

Yeah. What the hell happened? Or better. What was about to happen if I hadn't stop myself?
Shaking my head as to push away al the ifs that were running through my head since Harry Styles came back into my life a few days ago, I made my decision.

<<Nothing. We have to go. Are you ok to drive?>> I asked, she should have been better conpared to when she came to me this morning. Indeed, she nodded, her only question being <<Where to?>>

<<Home. We're already late for the wedding >> I stated, in a monotone voice.
I could feel Stella staring intensly at me, but I just couldn't bare with her questioning in that moment. That's when she started the engine that I knew she understood that I wasn’t ready to talk.

Scream.
That's what I wanted to do in that very moment. So when I saw a isolated enought space along the road, I asked Stella to stop and climbed off the car.
<<What are we doing?>> my cousin asked me, very confused.
<<This>> I said, and then screamed, as  loud as my lungs could handle.
Not long after, Stella did the same.

<<I don't what you're screaming at, but it feels fucking good>> she said, giggling.

And it did feel good.

It was like letting it all out, an heavy weight taken off of me.

That's when it all crambled. I started crying, all the emotions I tried to keep at bay surficing all at once.

I just felt Stella's arms circling my shoulders in a hug. When I finally calmed, she asked tentavely <<Are you ready to tell me what happen that upset you like this?>>

<<He bought granddad’s house. For me. Under my name>> I said, in one breath. And before Stella could say anything, I kept going, like a Pandora box had just been opened.
<<And he said he loves me. He did at the Cafe, a week ago. And this morning too.>>
Again, I heard Stella beginning to talk, but it was too late.
<<he kept asking me why I was there, saying the real reason why I was it's beacuse I wanted an out. >>
This time, Stella didn't even try to start talking, because I wasn't clearly finished <<and that I'm scared. To love and to be loved. And that me being there for a damn house was my way of running away>>.

And with that, I was finished.
<<Am I allowed to talk now?>> Stella asked, jockingly, making me laugh. I nodded, before she started to speak.

<<I think he's right >> she said, loud and clear.

I snapped my head to look at her shoked.

<<I mean, your father and brother didn't really help you with making you feel loved the way you deserve. And you're not used to be loved that way, fully, unconditionally. The only people who showed what real love is died in a short amount of time from eachother>> she explained, before going on <<So yeah. I think you do get scared when things get real, probably because you're so used to not have it that you sabotage it before you'll lose it.>>. And it was like the truth that I already owned was sinking.

<<The real question is what were you sabotaging? The wedding, like Harry said or your friendship after he said that he loves you?>>

And I knew the answer to that.  I just wasn't ready to face it. Not fully.

<<Do you mind get in the car? I need to make a phone call before we get back on the road.>> I asked Stella, to which she agreed.

I took a long breath before finding the contact on my phone and press "Call". The answer was inmediate, my words too.
<<I'm sorry.>>