Lusting for someone, In my thoughts.
Craving a feeling. That only exists... In my head.
Someone i'll always be there for, But a feeling not mutual.
Love...
Something we all have felt, or have given. Unless you're either too young, or you are absolutely fucking emotionless.
I was once in love...
With a girl online.
As pathetic as that may sound, It is sadly true... She was almost everything I have ever wanted in a girl, or just in someone in general...
This was the girl I talked about before.
At first I did not like her
But then she really grew on me the more I talked to her. Convinced me that she loved me as well.
Then she left
I loved her so much but she just broke me.
Like just imagine claiming you love someone so much and you'd change yourself for them only to get over them a week later.
Her name was Stella.
Stella was the love of my life, even if it was online.
The name used to bring joy, but now it just brings hopelessness.
Especially as of now.
i am hopeless
i am pathetic
life doesn't even matter to me anymore
Stella convinced me that she loved me with all of her heart, and yet I believed her like a dumbass for ever believing that someone would ever fucking love such a pathetic loser such as myself.
I shouldn't have believed her.
I shouldn't have trusted her.
It all ends the same way.
But unfortunately despite the 3 years that have passed, she messaged me today. Telling me that she was happy, and that she broke up with her boyfriend. I finally had hope again.
Another chance with the love of my life...
But yet what she told me, just...
I don't even fucking know...
So for some more context, this involves another ex.
Her name was Emmy.
She was a girl I did some unfortunate things to, and said a lot of horrible things. And this was all due to me being so hurt over Stella. I got back in contact with her a months ago, which was a horrible mistake.
I wanted to be friends with her, and I wanted to let her know I was sorry. But yet this lead up to me still having feelings for her, but her not reciprocating because at this time because she was dating someone.
I finally accepted this, started forcing myself to detach from her and just stopped talking to her.
So then another month passed, and they eventually broke up. I friended her a day after this happened crazily enough, and she was venting to me. And I seriously tried my best to help her get through it.
But then she started loving me, out of desperation I assumed.
and I seriously didn't know what to do. Because I detached myself from her, and I didn't like her like that anymore.
I tried to love her, but no matter what I did. I just couldn't force myself to.
Was this what I deserved? Feeling so emotionless and unloving that I do this to the only girl to love me?
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I told her I just couldn't love her, and I felt horrible doing so. Since I really wanted to but I couldn't.
So we tried to be friends, but that didn't work out too well. It eventually lead to me blocking her, out of annoyance.
Me and Stella starting talking again after that happened due to my friend "trolling her"
I really felt bad for her, and I told her I was sorry about him.
And me and her talked a bit, once in a while during conversations, I'd casually joke about still loving her.
Whereas I did.
And I was so deeply hurt, when I found out that Stella and Emmy were dating.
And this lead to the most rage I've ever felt in months.
I told them both how much I fucking hated them, and how I wanted them both dead.
I was so fucking hurt. I just started crying while laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know why I was laughing.
I was just...
Ruined...
Just thinking about them together... Just fucking hurts me so much...
Was this my karma?
Is this what I deserve?
I feel like I deserved this.
I feel like this was the way that it was going to go for me.
I have accepted it.
This is what I deserve...
