Secrets

Red, Silver, And Nothing

Calvin met Jasper at his locker that morning, stealing another kiss as the hallways emptied. "I'll see you after school," he said, holding his chin so that he could look at him. He turned his face to the side, saw the dry shine of tears. He forced himself not to frown in front of him, but found his eyes drifting to his left wrist. He spied a bandage peeking out from underneath both his sleeve and the watch. He breathed in slowly, then pushed it aside. "Better get to class, Jas, you'll be late."

"So will you," he said back, walking in the opposite direction as Calvin as they separated.

Calvin walked down the hall wiping his eyes. 'He did it again, he cut himself,' he thought, 'just this morning he did it, right after I left. What is he thinking? Does he believe that this is...wrong, in some way? He wouldn't do that if he thought otherwise... But why think of it it like that anyway? Why would he harm himself over this? I told him no one would know... Maybe that wasn't enough reassurance for him.' He entered his first period class and sat down at his desk, tapping his finger on the surface distractedly as the teacher called out names for attendance.

An image of Jasper cutting himself, red welling up from straight lines and the flash of silver, his colorless tears, suddenly appeared in his mind. He snapped his eyes shut and shook his head. 'I'm going to have to do something about this,' he concluded mentally as he said aloud, "Present."

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They ran beside each other at the track, Jasper's inhaler in Calvin's pocket as they circled time and and time again with the others in tow. Despite his asthma, Jasper was one of the fastest runners on the track team. He'd grown into a sort of friendship with the others, and they'd all stopped harassing him as they did in the beginning. They still apologized all the time, meaning it with sincerity, and Jasper always accepted. He was always the forgiving type.

Jasper felt the bandage underneath of his watch as he ran, hiding the cut that he'd inflicted upon himself that morning. He cringed as the watch pressed against it momentarily, but refused to show it. 'I can't believe I did that this morning. Why? Why? He said no one would know... But would they? I shouldn't have done that... But... It relieves it, the stress,' he thought, turning a corner alongside Calvin. He looked at him and then back at the oncoming track. 'He doesn't know. He still doesn't know, and I hope he never knows. He's already worried about me enough.'

"Getting tired?" Calvin asked him as he ended his thoughts.

"No," he said, practically breathing the word. He was lying, and Calvin could tell he was. He could see the strained breathing patterns that Jasper was exuding, and the way he was forcing himself to keep up with him. He actually felt bad for running so fast.

"You know you don't have to run with me," he said casually, "you should start running at your own pace."

"I want your pace to become mine," Jasper replied, smiling at him. "Every day that I run at your pace I get closer to making it happen." 'And my asthma recedes,' he added inwardly. Maybe that was just today, but he didn't know for sure. He knew how unpredictable his asthma was, so he didn't count on the thought.

Calvin smiled back. "Well...keep at it," he said. He brought his voice down to a whisper, "You used your inhaler before we started, right?"

"Yeah."

"It's not getting to you?"

"Not really, I can go to the end without much of a problem," he said, crossing the line into the last lap. "You know, you really shouldn't worry about me so much."

Again, the images of red and silver popped into his head, and he stared forward at only the track. If he made eye contact with Jasper, he knew he would cry. He refused to listen to the heartbeat in his ears, listening instead only to the sound that his shoes made against the track and the twittering of birds. What he couldn't drown out, though, was Jasper's heavy breathing, and the words he had spoken that echoed in his mind. 'You know, you really shouldn't worry about me so much.' He knew that those words were something to worry about.