Secrets

"The Moon Can Move the Ocean"

Jasper's mother looked at him with concern in her eyes; the one and a half hour long session had ended nearly thirty minutes early. Ian and Olivia had never sent Jasper home early before. She gripped the steering wheel tightly with frustrated fingers, her knuckles turning white. She felt tears alight the rims of her chestnut brown eyes, dampening her thin lashes. She wiped her eyes hurriedly. Now is not the time, Anne, she told herself. You can't possibly expect Jas to open up to you when you've been absent from his life for over three years. It takes time...so much time...

Anastasia Taylor Short, originally born Anastasia Taylor Brooks and called Anne by family and friends, had been living in an internal hell for two years now, the third lightened and resolving itself with regular visits to her late husband's sister and her nephew. She'd never known Jasper to have been having problems, but now as she had lifted the shroud from her eyes the night Jasper had shouted at her and cried, she could see easily that Jasper was a troubled child. His eyes were not as bright as before. Maybe this was from his father's death or from the vision impairment from the accident, or perhaps both, but they were still not as bright as they used to be. His posture was guarded, like he could be hurt if he stood straight. When he stood straight, he was tense and alert as if he could be hurt if he let his guard down. His hands shook. His frail body seemed ill. He fiddled with his sleeves, particularly with an unfamiliar, peculiar blue bracelet on his left wrist.

Anne clenched her teeth. She didn't know her son. She had no idea who he'd turned into over the past three years. She had missed him grow up, and now she was paying for it with the indifference Jasper seemed to have. She could tell he was happy to have her involved, and relieved she was okay, but was uninterested in her attempts to bond. Anne was hurt by this, frightened even. What if he resented her for it? What if he would leave when he turned eighteen and never speak to her in return for the years of neglect? She shivered and grew angry, but not at Jasper. She suddenly stopped the car and swerved to the shoulder of the road. She saw Jasper tense immensely, fear in his eyes. He jolted forward, clutching onto his seatbelt.

"Mom!" he complained, though the memory shook in his voice. "Don't stop the car so fast, geez."

"Jasper am I a horrible mother? Do you hate me?"

"What?" Jasper replied, confused. He turned to her in his seat. "No, why would you say that?"

She relaxed. "Nothing... Nothing. I'm sorry. I just...I haven't been there for you and I want to know you. I know you're friends with Oliver, but I hardly know this Calvin...and you seem so blue all the time."

"Blue?"

"And gray too," she said. "You seem sad...and depressed...and I can't do anything about it because I don't know you well enough to know how to help... You seem more mature and...I don't know how to deal with my sixteen-year-old son having to have grown up faster than every other kid in his class because..." She sniffed and fought back tears, voice cracking as she said, "...Because I wasn't there to ease you into maturity. I can see that you grew up too fast."

Jasper watched tears tumble down her face. He watched his mother break a little. "Mom..." he said softly, placing a hand over hers gently. "Mom, you're not a horrible mother. I didn't grow up too fast; I learned how to deal with life quickly. I didn't grow up too fast; you just weren't there to see it and it seemed like I did when you noticed." He watched her bury her face in her hands and cry. He folded his hands in his lap and looked at them. "Mom...I understand. It took you longer to accept his death than I did...that's all... Please don't cry. It's okay."

Jasper took hold of her hands carefully and placed them on the steering wheel. "You're fine. You're a great mother. Any other mother in that state would not have cared for me at all. You reminded me of homework, played board games with me, tried to smile for me. I know you're wearing thin, but please don't tell yourself you're a horrible mother. You're the best mother I could have ever had."