Leaving

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by xJennawriting

by xJennawriting

leaving

[lee-ving]

1. to leave

2. to exit

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SONGS

hallelujah - Panic At The Disco

Amnesia - 5SOS

Last Resort - Papa Roach

As I blink away tears, I quickly pack my suitcase with shaky hands. Rage fills my drunken senses, I pick up my paints, throwing them at the wall with all of the strength I acquire. A mess of colors rest against the blank white wall. Somehow it is poetic, maybe I'm just all too drunk, but I find the wall like a child. A blank canvas, then life, the paint, fills it with colors that may not even look good together. But they're still there, and they won't leave, just as the scars of life will never leave us.

I rip myself from my thoughts as I snatch my suitcase and bottle of vodka. My legs carry me to the fire escape, which is probably my best bet of leaving without the bother of Louis begging me to stay. The cool air feels like fire on my warm skin, it lights something in me. I smile, for no reason I just smile. Maybe it is the alcohol, or maybe it's the heartache, but I've honestly given up. I am done caring, I am done apologizing, I am done. I will now live the life I want, and I will not let anyone get in the way of that, not anymore. I don't need Louis, I don't need Harry, I don't need Rogue, I don't need any of it, I never did.

My thoughts carry me a bit too far, I was just going to stay at a hotel but I find myself in front of my home in Bradford. I walk into the quiet house, as I turn on the lights I notice nothing has moved from the last time I was here. Even the wine glasses sit on the coffee table, along with the closed bottle of wine labeled 'for love'

I walk upstairs and into Tony's room, grabbing the box of letters and heading back downstairs. I scroll through hundreds of letters, before selecting the right one.

It reads, 'Open When, You're Heartbroken'

Dear Lee Lee,

Damn I'm sorry I can't be there to beat the hell out of whoever hurt you. I wish I could comfort you right now... No physical injury can ever measure up to a broken heart. I know it sucks, and I know right now it feels like you'll never get over this guy. But you will, slowly. You'll have days where you're completely fine and you'll have nights where you fall apart while your music blares in the background and you drunkenly throw bottles at the walls in fear of them closing up on you. And that's okay, it's okay to fall apart and it's okay to be happy. But you cannot stop functioning because, baby sister, the world will not stop for you. Hell, it won't even slow down. The world will keep going, paying no mind to your torn up heart and shattered trust, but you have to keep going too. I know that sounded cliché as hell but bare with me because I've never been good with words. All I can say is love is hell (which I've said in the letter labeled 'when you fall for a boy') The most honest advice I can give you, is keep doing things to make you feel something.(nothing illegal) The only think worse than feeling pain is feeling nothing at all.

I love you,

Tony

I'm sobbing by the end of the letter. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself... why I keep going back to him time and time again no matter how much he hurts me. Every time I fall back into the web of lies I swore I'd never fall into again. He hasn't changed, he never will change, and it's time I realize that. This is the last time. I'm done with Louis, with Harry, with Rogue, with gangs in general. My life has fallen apart in such a short amount of time. I dropped out of my dream college, got shot multiple times, got kidnapped multiple times, almost relapsed twice, got back into online college and then dropped out yet again, lost Leo, killed two people, and have forgotten who I am as a person. It's fucked up beyond belief and there is no way I will be able to have a normal life with Louis in the mix, I need to leave him, for good this time. No make up sex, no 'one last kiss', no drunk texts, nothing.

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apologies for short chapter, it's kind of a filler hahhaha

-xJenna