ivy ~ drew starkey

11 | i'm not ok.

I was in the shower. It was burning hot i was trying to wash him off of me. I hated myself. I could not get him to stop kissing and grabbing me. I tried washing him and my thoughts off of me. I wanted to scream and cry. I was having a mental breakdown in my shower. I started to scream and cry just like i wanted. Drew was at his apartment getting himself clothes. I was not ok. He tried hurting me and he did. He got to me. I stopped the shower and wrapped my towel around me. I went to my room and got my clothes on. I then just laid in my bed crying hysterically. I was crying so loud i didn't even hear Drew come in the apartment. I was screaming in my pillow. I was hysterical. I hadn't felt this bad since we broke up and he re he was making me feel this way again. He was a jerk."hey v are you ok?" Drew said rushing to me. He pulled me into a warm hug and was just letting me cry in his arms. i sat there crying for what felt forever while he scratched my back. I felt a little better when he scratched my back. My mother would do this for me all the time as a kid. It made feel calmer. I never answered him. I couldn't, it was like my voice box was gone. Eventually i stopped crying and fell asleep with Drew.

I woke up with a horrible headache. I had felt like absolute crap. I had spent the entire night crying and screaming.

"Morning." Drew said as he gave me a soft kiss. I don't know why but i flinched when he kissed me.

"sorry i didn't mean to." i really didn't, i mean it isn't like he was the one that assaulted me.

"its ok babe, you went through a lot last night." he said getting up and leaving. I walked over to the kitchen and saw him pouring a glass of mango orange juice.

"hey." i said wrpping my arms around his his wait placing my head on his back.

"here drink this and i will get you some tylenol and water." 

"ok thank you." i said siting down on the couch turning on Gilmore Girls. after like five minutes he was back.

"here i couldnt find it at first but this should help your brain." he said stroking my long brown hair

."thank you. hey keep playing with my hair it feels nice." i took his hands and put them in my hair. "ugh i probably look like absolute crap."

"no you don't. you always look beautiful."

"thanks bub." i said pausing the tv

"hey are you ok?" 

"ya i just have to go to the bathroom." i said getting up.

"ok, I'm here if you need."

"i know." i said walking to the bathroom.

i came back and sat on the couch and cuddled up next to him. I couldn't breathe and i didn't want Drew to see me like this. I grabbed my chest and started to hyperventilate. Drew was trying to talk to me but i could not hear him. I was watching him talk to me but i couldn't answer. Having an anxiety attack was like dying, everything was closing in and it felt like dying every time i had one. 

I could finally breathe again. I just wanted this to stop. I hated him for this all. I wanted to kill him.

"hey, hey you're ok."

"no i am not drew." i wanted to die.

"ok come here." he grabbed me and i started to cry. i didn't think i could cry anymore but i could.

~the next day~

i made Drew stay with me again. It was now monday, the actual day of halloween.We got the day off. Drew was in the shower so i decided to try and write a song or something. When he had first broke my heart i wrote Good in goodbye. It was a pretty popular song and i promised my fans an album soon. So i got to writing . Soon Drew came into my room and was laying on my bed but the lyrics we just pouring out. He didn't say anything he just turned on a show, which i was grateful for. I only needed a couple more songs for the record and i felt like this was one.