Surviving Confessions

Three

My inactions is what made me commit my first sin. You may not see it as a big thing but to me, it is. I don't enjoy this guilt building up inside and I really don't want to be around when it finally boils over.

Together the seven of us stayed in a cave. A dark, damp, depressing excuse for a home. We didn't have much clothing or food, after a week of lacking the basic necessities you begin to change. If you're the nicest guy in the world, you'll make Satan proud of what you've done.

Although the place was horrific, we still mangaged to stick true to each other. My sin was played out on 26th September 2021.

At the back of our cave was a small pile of canned food. We didn't have much to begin with but the pile started looking more and more scarce after a few days.

Daniel bent down next to it, rummaging through, searching for something we could survive on. I sat on the other side of the cave, watching as he did this. I felt dirty. I hadn't washed anything since we left and I felt like it had been years. James was kneeling down about ten feet away from me with his head in his hands.

He doesn't look so good, I thought to myself, what's wrong with him?

I put my head against the wall and closed my eyes. Silence only happened for a few seconds before it was interrupted.

"Is that all we got?" Mumbled Rebekah. I opened my eyes and saw Daniel walking to the centre of the room, holding two cans. He threw them to the ground near the fire in frustration. 

Ever since we were younger everyone relied on Daniel. I really think no one realised the pressure we actually put on him. I know they didn't when his mum died.

I pulled myself up and walked over to Daniel. I put my hand on his shoulder and smiled at him. He looked up at me. Even though he was smiling back I could see the pain inside him. Towards the entrance of the cave, Laura was asleep on David's lap, she looked so peaceful as he stroked her hair. Alice, on the other hand, was squashed tight in the corner, punching the ground gently. I was just about to comfort Daniel more but Alice's exclamation of pain interrupted me.

"We can't live like this. We've got no food. How the fuck are we going to survive in this shit hole?" She punched the ground harder. Laura shot upright but David gently moved her back down. She needed to sleep but she didn't close her eyes.

I was getting more and more wound up at Alice. She'd always do this. Always get angry and punch whatever was near her. Humans, animals, walls, street lamps. Me and everyone else gave up trying to help her a long time ago but for some unknown reason, Daniel didn't.

"We'll work something out" he reassured her. He stood and walked over to her and bent down next to her. She ignored him and kept punching. Harder and harder.

"No we won't", she cried,"someone has to get us food so we can survive".
"Alice, you need to calm down" Daniel rubbed her shoulder: a move that always calmed me down. She just kept punching.

I looked over at James and he was getting wound up. He kept moving his hand furiously, breathed heavier than normal. He always had a problem with his temper, normally everyone would just leave him to his meltdown.

"We can't leave right now hun" Daniel's voice was soothing, caring. He grabbed her, by her bleeding hands, and pulled her up onto her feet.

"Why not? If we stay here we'll die. I'd rather not fucking die in this shit hole surrounded by you" She looked around at us all, pushing Daniel away from her. He moved back towards her. James' hand movements increased,  his breathing heavier, Rebekah had noticed him. She threw herself to his feet, attempting to calm him down: he needed to explode.

"Alice, listen. It's too dark. There's infected everywhere, if we leave we'll all get killed" Rebekah said, still trying to control James and his anger.

"Rebekah, you don't understand. We'll die in this dump if we don't leave. Stop being so optimistic!" Rebekah rolled her eyes and continued to help James. He couldn't take much more.

"Alice please just listen to us-" Daniel started.

"No! I don't fucking care!" She was now screaming.

Shut the fuck up, I thought, the infected will hear you, stupid bitch.

"It's all about Daniel.  He's always in charge of us. What give him that right?  If I was in charge, we'd have everything. I would-". That did it.

"Alice! Why don't you just leave? Get the fuck out! Do you really think you can survive out there? Leave. No one is stopping you. If you come back infected, I will personally enjoy sticking a bullet in your brain". James was stood up, his entire body trembling.  Alice had turned pale and sat back down. Everyone was staring straight at James. 

"James, please just sit down" pleaded Rebekah as she tugged on his arm. He slapped it away, shot a look of disgust at her then looked at Alice: Rebekah pushed away.

"You want food?" looking at all of us, he yelled, "well I'll go get you some, Daniel give me the gun". Daniel backed away. James moved with him. Daniel was the only with the gun: he was the only one everyone trusted. 

"Daniel, give me the fucking gun before I snap your neck". Daniel passed him the gun and the holster. They exchanged a look for a second. A look of fear. James began out of the entrance and Rebekah stood up to go with him.

"Rebekah, where do you think you're going?" He asked firmly.

"With you".

"You're staying here" he turned to go but she pulled him back and kissed his cheek.

"I'm not. James, I'm not letting you go out there alone. You might die".

"I won't. I don't want you to get hurt. Please stay here, so I'll know you're safe. I promise I'll come back". He kissed her forehead, keeping eye contact with Daniel. He left and Rebekah watched as she let her husband walk straight into a battlefield. Swarming with killers and other survivors. We watched as our friend walked into a trap. I let my friend die.

***
Alice didn't say another word that night, in matter of pure honesty, no one did. We were all worried about what would happen to our friend. Sure, he was strong and could look after himself but there were countless infected. He was outnumbered and condemned. 

We waited for James. A few hours had passed after he left but no one spoke. No one looked at each other. He was the only thing on anyone's mind.

He should have had someone with him, I thought to myself,  we need him to be back.

The cave was silent, aside from the cries and prayers of our broken Rebekah.

Time passed too quickly. Four days had passed and there was no sign of James. Rebekah was constantly crying. Me, Alice and Laura tried to calm her down but our every attempt was futile.

"It's either I cry or I go insane. I need James back" she said every time we begged her to stop crying. There were so many thoughts in my head and I couldn't pin point one explanation of what happened to James. I turned to the one person I knew always had an answer. I asked Daniel what were his chances of surviving, he replied with one thing that always scared me more than anything: "I don't know".